By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer
There are plenty of things you must do in Bigfoot National Park before you go hunting for Bigfoot, and there are no mummies or magicians allowed.
Let’s get this out of the way right away: Mummies are too slow and too much of a liability in these parts, and magicians will be able to find Bigfoot too fast, ruining the entire adventure business that’s booming out here.
Bigfoot National Park is home of many yetis. But there’s only one Bigfoot, and he spends his time between here, the human world in national parks all over, and the portals he uses between the two dimensions.
Will you be the first to get real proof of him? I’ve personally interviewed ‘foot for this publication, but nobody believes me. They just print my words for the fun of it.
You’ll arrive at Lodgers Square in Lodging Town at the base of the park. Step into Footers Lodge (home of the Bigfoot Burger and the 103” Bigfoot stuffed animal toy) and see the ranger at the front desk. He’ll put you on the right track to prepare for your Bigfoot hunt.
The first thing you’ll need is a Bigfoot hunting license. Once you fill out the application (if you can’t write because you’re a blob or a winged creature with no hands, we have park volunteers who can assist), go get yourself something to eat. Because it’ll take the lodge staff a couple of hours to decide whether you’re a mummy, a magician or not.
Right there in Lodging Town is Kimo’s Mai Tai and Fresh Seafood Ranch, the best seafood you’ll find on any ranch (with lots of bugs on the ranch and on the fish). How fresh is Kimo’s? You’ll see his boat out front, still dripping wet (no one is sure what’s actually dripping off that boat). He gets fresh fish daily. Don’t forget to try his world famous “Shark,” a Mai Tai with teeth. Actual teeth.
Once you’ve had enough to eat (or you’ve had enough of the bugs eating you), head on over to the Tar Pits. No, your license still won’t be ready. But the three tar ladies in the pits will be more than happy to see you.
Don’t get too close — the ladies may pull you in with them and you may not need that license after all. Stand at a safe distance and listen to the ladies howl and wail and moan in agony. It’s always a tuneful, heartwarming performance.
Your license still won’t be ready, so follow the little logging road past Kimo’s, past Logger’s Landing and Tackle Shack, across Broken Bridge over the Ravine of Death (much worse than Busted Bridge in Witches Meadow) and into Geyserland. It’s a fun spot for the kids.
Geyserland is a spring characterized by intermittent discharges of deadly, boiling water ejected turbulently from various points in the ground and accompanied by toxic steam. Yes, these geysers are most definitely fun for the kids. Try to put the little tots on a geyser hole before it blasts its mighty gush of poison.
After that, make your way back to Footers Lodge. Your license still won’t be ready, but you still have to gear up. Check in with the ranger again at the front desk. He’ll link you up with one of the park’s experts to get you outfitted for your upcoming adventure through the park.
Here’s typically what you’ll need before you go in search of Bigfoot:
-Bigfoot Survival Guide (This is essential for your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.)
-Camouflaged/dark clothing (It may cost more to get the DQ camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups, which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park. ‘foot loves Blizzards.)
-War paint (This doesn’t work so well on werewolves, fiery demons and blobs.)
-Sleeping bags for your party (The Lodge offers a wide variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.)
-GPS (You don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot Country. No one will be able to find you because GPS units don’t work out here.)
-Deer urine (This is for attraction. ‘foot loves deer urine.)
-Rope (This is imperative. Because you can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.)
-Bear mace (This does nothing to Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park you may come across. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to defend yourself with a little can of spray is always amusing to them before they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.)
-Video recording device (You’ve come all this way to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘foot also wants something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is always amusing to him before he rips your face off. ‘foot can’t survive off DQ Blizzards alone.)
-Flare gun (This shoots fiery flares into the sky for signaling distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same portals Bigfoot uses between the monster world and the human world. He finds you shooting fiery flares in the forest, he’ll rip your face off. Cancel the flare gun.)
-Cell phone (If you must call for help, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park. You can still play video games on the phone while the danger closes in on you.)
-Lighter (Good for building fires to keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare gun as it regards to fires in the park.)
-Flashlight (It gets dark in the park. You can make really cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good, bright flashlight.)
-Tent (This is the last thing to pack, only because you may not survive long enough to ever use it. If it’s too much to carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent at the Lodge.)
You may also want to carry along a net gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, stun gun, fishing rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a watch. None of these things won’t keep you alive and they most likely won’t help you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on your body while you navigate the woods.
Your Bigfoot hunting license should be ready by the time you get all that equipment and paraphernalia on. If you can move, go back to the ranger at the front desk and collect your card. He’ll take your picture, print it on the license. Or he’ll toss you into the Tar Pits if he suspects you’re a mummy or a magician. Remember: No mummies or magicians allowed in the park. And no wizards either, while were at it.
If he presents you with your license, congratulations, you’re what the park calls a Footer. You can now head on out to the Bus Loading Zone.
These buses are the only way into the park. All other vehicles or modes of transportation are off limits. Don’t get caught trying to enter any other way, in which case, see comments on what happens if the ranger suspects you’re a mummy, magician or a wizard.
Buses leave every hour, on the hour into the park. You Footers should line up at the ramp and prepare for the time of your lives. It’ll be the last time of your lives.
This story (actually by Michael Picarella) also appeared in Jack-o’-Lantern Press, a monster blog for monsters only, from Michael Picarella, his brother, Tom Picarella, and Michael’s son, Robert Picarella. JLP posts monster news and entertainment weekdays between the months of August and October, and occasionally throughout the year. The online publication is currently running travel stories like this one from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia.