Depressed Water

I noticed something was wrong with my drinking water about two years ago. It tasted fine but something about its…mood…was off. At first I denied it, but I soon realized my water was depressed.

It’s been a real struggle with my regular drinking water. I can’t remember the last time it was fun to be around.

It started when I got home one day and my lazy water had been sitting around in a dirty glass all day. A little film of scum was developing on top of him. I don’t expect my water to be the life of the party, but do something. Splash around, spill yourself. Open your own drinking fountain.

My water wouldn’t budge. There was no bubble in his step. It got so bad that I couldn’t drink eight glasses of this depressing stuff every day. I was parched.

I took my water to a shrink. He drank it, said it was a little dismayed but his condition didn’t fall under the “Depressed” diagnosis in the DSM-5.

A friend told me to see a Drink (a shrink that specializes in depressed liquids) but I couldn’t find one. I needed a drink, that’s for sure.

Then I stole some anti-depressants (from my dog) and gave them to my water. They mixed in fine, but no change. I sure felt funny when I drank it, though. I gained 200 pounds and started an affair with my guinea pig.

The crisis point came when I walked into the kitchen and found my water at the edge of the sink. Yes, he was going to jump down the drain. Suicide by draining. The toaster, fridge and coffee maker were all yelling, “Jump.” Appliances can be so cruel.

I caught my water in the nick of time, put him in a big comfy bowl and we had a nice chat. My water did not want to continue living. There were other suicide attempts. He told me of a time he poured himself into an empty ice-cube tray, hoping that he would freeze to death. So sad.

There was only one course of action for me. Water euthanization. I can still see his last few bubbles as he drained down the toilet.

I’m happy to announce that I’ve replaced that drinking water with a new, much more pleasant water: Happy Water. It’s from British Columbia, where happy people live.

You can drink this wonderful water too: http://livehappywater.ca/

Don’t let drinking water ruin your life. Keep your water happy!