Gerbil News Network sort of values your opinion, and wants to know what you think. Please take a few minutes to complete our Customer Satisfaction Survey.
1. One television critic has described Anderson Cooper as “surprisingly stiff and impersonal.” In order to achieve a more relaxed demeanor Anderson Cooper should:
____ Change his name to “Cooper Anderson”
____ Change his name to “Gloria Vanderbilt’s son”
____ Adopt a ’40′s-style nickname such as “Bud” or “Chick”
____ Punch the critic in the nose.
2. Gerbil News Network was recently criticized by liberal media “watchdog” groups for reporting that Democratic Party front-runner Hillary Clinton had a love child by an alien from the THX 1138 galaxy. Gerbil News Network should have:
____ Contacted Clinton prior to publication to obtain her rote denial.
____ Run the story in a special four-color pullout section.
____ Does Bernie Sanders know about this?
____ What about the one from the Alpha Centauri galaxy?
3. I would like to see more of the following content on Gerbil News Network:
____ Stories/photos of kittens stuck in trees being rescued by firemen.
____ Stories/photos of firemen stuck in trees being rescued by kittens.
____ Lotto, sweepstakes and promotional giveaways.
____ Listings of swap meets and tag sales.
4. Gerbil News Network frequently uses the term “doody-head” in its news and features. When this term appears in a post, the article should be labeled:
____ Contains “mature” content.
____ Contains “immature” content.
____ Post is sold by weight, not volume.
____ Void where prohibited by law.
5. I trust Gerbil News Network more than:
____ The Wall Street Journal.
____ Grit Magazine.
____ The Huffington Post.
____ The National Enquirer.
6. Gerbil News Network relies on a world-wide network of unpaid freelance “stringers” to generate content, most of which is made up. In order to improve the quality of its reporting, Gerbil News Network should:
____ Offer to pay writers in discount pizza coupons.
____ Offer to pay nothing, or if less, what The Huffington Post pays.
____ Pay writers from its ”take a penny, leave a penny” dish.
____ Link writers’ bank accounts to a Nigerian prince’s iPhone.
6. Gerbil News Network needs:
____ Fewer stories about Bigfoot.
____ More stories about Bigfoot.
____ More stories about Bigfoot being rescued by firemen.
____ More cowbell.
7. Almost done-you’re doing great! Gerbil News Network sometimes features poems about animals that glow in the dark. Such poems should be:
____ Discontinued and replaced with Sudoku.
____ Distributed to Third World countries for use as insulation.
____ Dropped on glaciers to soak up ice melting from global warming.
____ Thrown at kittens stuck in trees.