Gerbil News Network Customer Satisfaction Survey

Gerbil News Network sort of values your opinion, and wants to know what you think.  Please take a few minutes to complete our Customer Satisfaction Survey.

1.         One television critic has described Anderson Cooper as “surprisingly stiff and impersonal.”  In order to achieve a more relaxed demeanor Anderson Cooper should:

____         Change his name to “Cooper Anderson”

____         Change his name to “Gloria Vanderbilt’s son”

____         Adopt a ’40′s-style nickname such as “Bud” or “Chick”

____         Punch the critic in the nose.

2.         Gerbil News Network was recently criticized by liberal media “watchdog” groups for reporting that Democratic Party front-runner Hillary Clinton had a love child by an alien from the THX 1138 galaxy.  Gerbil News Network should have:

____         Contacted Clinton prior to publication to obtain her rote denial.

____         Run the story in a special four-color pullout section.

____         Does Bernie Sanders know about this?

____         What about the one from the Alpha Centauri galaxy?

3.         I would like to see more of the following content on Gerbil News Network:

____         Stories/photos of kittens stuck in trees being rescued by firemen.

____         Stories/photos of firemen stuck in trees being rescued by kittens.

____         Lotto, sweepstakes and promotional giveaways.

____         Listings of swap meets and tag sales.

4.         Gerbil News Network frequently uses the term “doody-head” in its news and features.  When this term appears in a post, the article should be labeled:

____         Contains “mature” content.

____         Contains “immature” content.

____         Post is sold by weight, not volume.

____         Void where prohibited by law.

5.         I trust Gerbil News Network more than:

____         The Wall Street Journal.

____         Grit Magazine.

____         The Huffington Post.

____         The National Enquirer.

6.         Gerbil News Network relies on a world-wide network of unpaid freelance “stringers” to generate content, most of which is made up.  In order to improve the quality of its reporting, Gerbil News Network should:

____         Offer to pay writers in discount pizza coupons.

____         Offer to pay nothing, or if less, what The Huffington Post pays.

____         Pay writers from its ”take a penny, leave a penny” dish.

____         Link writers’ bank accounts to a Nigerian prince’s iPhone.

6.       Gerbil News Network needs:

____         Fewer stories about Bigfoot.

____         More stories about Bigfoot.

____         More stories about Bigfoot being rescued by firemen.

____         More cowbell.

7.         Almost done-you’re doing great!  Gerbil News Network sometimes features poems about animals that glow in the dark.  Such poems should be:

____         Discontinued and replaced with Sudoku.

____         Distributed to Third World countries for use as insulation.

____         Dropped on glaciers to soak up ice melting from global warming.

____         Thrown at kittens stuck in trees.

Thank you for participating!  Your responses will be carefully recycled!

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4 thoughts on “Gerbil News Network Customer Satisfaction Survey”

  1. I didn’t quite make it through the whole survey because I couldn’t get past the question about Anderson Cooper and the fact that he’s surprisingly stiff. I’m not gay, but that did strike a chord, I have to say. I guess let’s put that down as immature content. Very immature content.

  2. I always do the following when filling out surveys of this type:

    ____ Take it seriously and tell only the truth as I see it

    ____ Lie like a bitch

    ____ Make up funny answers and laugh at them

    ____ Print it out and use it to wrap garbage

    ____ Other (please elaborate, because we really want to know this)

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