Remember how Julia Louis Dreyfus’ character on Seinfeld would exclaim, “Get out!” then shove someone because she simply couldn’t believe what they said? Well, here’s a virtual exclamation and shove in response to these weird news items that have come across my desk recently:
Fellatio café slated to open in Switzerland
A cuppa and a blowjob. A new, um, joint offering this combo menu—modeled on similar establishments in Thailand—is scheduled to be up and coming running in Geneva by the end of 2016, according to an article in the Daily Mail. How it works is male patrons order a coffee, then choose their hummer hooker via an iPad. Isn’t technology wonderful? The cost for this service is in the neighborhood of £40 (about $50). Probably the only thing better for some guys would be a brewski and a BJ (plus it’s so much more alliterative).
Gun owner shoots self in butt after pooping
Most of us are familiar with the phrase “shooting oneself in the foot,” figuratively speaking. Well, an erstwhile “responsible gun owner” from Indiana literally shot his ass off (or at least part of it) while using the men’s room at a local mall, the Daily Journal reports. Apparently, the 24-year-old had been using the toilet and, after doing his business, tried to put his .45 caliber handgun back into the holster inside the waistband near his right hip. The gun accidentally fired, entering his right buttock and exiting through his right leg. He was taken to a local hospital for medical treatment. I’ll bet his friends are laughing their asses off.
Police rescue “lifeless woman” who’s a blowup doll
You can’t say the Amsterdam police aren’t able to laugh at themselves. In a Facebook post on their own page, police in the Dutch capital admitted they kicked down an apartment door to rescue a woman who turned out to be a blowup doll. According to UPI, the officers were called to the residence by neighbors who said they looked in the apartment window and saw a woman standing motionless for a long time. When police arrived, they rang the doorbell and knocked on the door, but the woman, dressed only in underwear, didn’t budge. So they broke down the door only to discover the “lifeless woman” was an inflatable sex toy, which the police moved away from the window to prevent any further confusion. Guess this’ll teach the apartment dweller to close his curtains, huh?
And in goat news…
Also according to UPI, an Oregon farmer is promoting upcoming “Goat Yoga” classes with a YouTube video of a professional yoga instructor demonstrating poses with a baby goat on her back, according to UPI. Meanwhile, Reuter’s reports that the Lithuanian village of Ramygala held its annual beauty pageant last month, and the top prize went to a 16-month-old female goat named Demyte, or “Little Spot.” I kid you not (get it?).
Woman jailed for too-loud sex
Finally, this gem from ABC News: A 25-year-old Pennsylvania woman pled guilty to disorderly conduct for having such, shall we say, enthusiastic sex it reportedly shook her neighbor’s furniture—then she threatened her row house neighbors for complaining. The woman was sentenced to 45 to 90 days in jail. Well, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” Those orgasms must have been stupendous.
Given some of the horrendous news that’s made headlines lately, here’s hoping these relatively ridiculous items provide a little comic relief. I think this week’s haiku applies regardless:
Oy. Some days you read
a headline and just shake your
head in disbelief.
What do you think? Have you seen or heard some simply wacko news on the lighter side that has you shaking your head? Please share…