Newman and I eloped.
What’s it like being married to my dog? It’s the exact opposite of being married to my wife.
Newman: Paul, come here. What is this?
Me: A toilet.
Newman: And it’s clean. Why did you clean the toilet?
Me: Ah, cuz I’m suppose to?
Newman: You know I like drinking from a filthy, stinking bowl, don’t you? Remember what we practiced? – NEVER FLUSH. What possessed you?
Me: I’m not sure, I’ve been trained.
Newman: What else did I tell you?
Me: Never put the…
Newman: That’s right. Never put the seat down. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. It makes it too hard to drink.
Me: Habit, I guess.
Newman: What colour is that water?
Me: Clear.
Newman: No, the colour is NOT BROWN. And what is that?
Me: Laundry.
Newman: It’s clean. And not only that, it smells fresh. How could you? My special blankie? I’ve been rolling in that since I was a pup. And now, what colour is that, white? I can’t even look at it.
Me: Should I soil it?
Newman: Throw it out. It’s useless to me. By the way, where’s the garbage?
Me: In the garbage can.
Newman: WHAT? Are you INSANE? I expressly told you to leave it on the floor so I can rummage around. Do you even listen to me? You have no regard for my feelings.
Me: Please stop crying.
Newman: I need a new chew toy. When are we going shoe shopping?
Me: Now.
Okay, in one way it is very similar to my previous marriage.