Prince Reports Heaven is Dull | HumorOutcasts

Prince Reports Heaven is Dull

August 26, 2016



THE HEAVENS–The Soul Formerly Known as Prince reported Thursday that after experiencing Eternal Paradise for 4 months, he found it “vanilla.”  “Neon pegaguses?” the megastar and eccentric party host groaned and rolled his eyes, while giving a subtle wave to Jimi Hendrix and Mohammad Ali, who soared past him on trails of exploding stardust.  “They’re either on their way to a meteor racquetball game, or picking up Moses for intergalactic karaoke again.  But at a party in  ’84, I had 15 semi-nude models wearing purple angel wings, swinging on ropes with holographic doves, while I performed with a wall of TV’s behind me showing live video feed of guests dressed in walrus costumes slip ‘n’ sliding on beautiful frozen Lake Minnetonka.”  He laced up some sequined skates with a look of apathy as he continued,  “Up here there’s not anything all that remarkable.  I’ve eaten better food in Minneapolis, the mustard here is weird, and the basketball is …meh.”  The icon did admit that he was honored to be among the 144,000 Jehovahs allowed entry, because he couldn’t imagine how tedious Hell might be.

Emily Schleiger

Emily Schleiger is a writer in the Chicago area. Her work has been published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, Second City Network, and After surviving a short career in Human Resources, she has studied at The Second City and Gotham Writers’ Workshop. For more writing, check out and For her birthday she would love a drum set, but in the interim she’s just fine with smacking carrots against the kitchen countertop because she is adaptable like that.

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2 Responses to Prince Reports Heaven is Dull

  1. August 26, 2016 at 2:06 pm

    This just made a great case for all of us to get more outrageous! Yeah, let’s outdo heaven!!!

  2. Bill Spencer
    August 26, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    “The Soul Formerly Known as Prince” is very funny. A great opening.

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