Sage Advice For a More Refulgent Thanksgiving From America’s Foremost Republican, Harold Ginn

My fellow Americans, (native Americans and legal immigrants included) it will soon be time once again for Thanksgiving. On that special day, as we gather together with friends and family to enjoy a tasty meal, for which we are thankful, let us all take a moment to consider some of the other things for which we should also be thankful.

Yes, it’s good to give thanks for the small things, like for instance our names. For myself, I’m thankful that my last name isn’t something like Stank or Crunt and that my first name isn’t one of those currently popular designer names like Mblotto, LaSatan or Toots.

I’m thankful that I’m bald, for in being bald I’m forever free of the burden of having to own a comb. And hey guys, speaking of hair, let’s give thanks for nose hair and back hair. Maybe not our first choices in hair but at least it’s hair and it is bountiful. Thank you, God.

I’m thankful that I was born in a fortuitous historical epoch. The 70’s was a perfect time to be a young man on the prowl. There were birth control pills and no AIDS. All of you baby boomers out there should take a moment right now and give thanks. Seriously, it was great, wasn’t it?

Let’s not forget to give thanks to the thoughtful person who invented booze. Sadly, his name has been lost in the fog of history, but we should, none the less, take a moment to give thanks. I propose a toast; here’s to you, sir.

It’s become a bit of a cliché, but we should take a moment, a least once a year, to give thanks that cows don’t fly. I like cows but then I also like the emu bird. Emus are cool, and like their cousin the cow, they are flightless.

I give thanks for modern medicine, particularly for advances in the pharmacology of brain chemistry. Of course as a babyboomer I worry not just about Alzheimer’s but also about the natural diminution of certain mental faculties that accompanies our passage into mid-life and beyond. Now, being at that certain stage in life where notions so easily slip from memory, it seems that names, dates, little facts and figures that once were recalled without effort are now increasingly elusive, so I’m thankful for little pocket day planners and I plan to buy one soon. They can be an effective guard against forgetfulness.

For example, twice last week I forgot to look at porn. If you ask me, that’s cause for concern. If I’d had a day planner it wouldn’t have happened. Speaking of porn, let me take this moment to give thanks that none of my three daughters work in the sex industry. What if I were cruising the web for some good porn and came across one of their web sites? That would be a serious cooler.

Speaking of porn and finances, the downsizing, I’m sorry, the right-sizing of the middle class has actually been a boon for many hot babes and MILFS who have found new careers online. Check out Homelessbusty.com.

Believe it or not, you folks out there who are struggling to get from paycheck to paycheck should be thankful that you aren’t rich. It should be a comfort to know that no matter how bad things get, you won’t have far to fall. Besides, I give you my personal assurance that wealth is just a burden. On your behalf, I and my rich and powerful friends bear that burden without complaint and for that, you should be thankful.

Alright, well anyway I don’t want to ramble on here. I think that just about completes my list and besides, I see that it’s almost cocktail hour so to all of you fellow Americans out there I say: good bread, good meat, good lord lets eat!

Be of good cheer and give thanks.

Harold Ginn

Oh, by the way, HA, HA !!