How come only prominent people get to have a spokesperson? If you’re really big, like Trump, Cruise or Oprah, you have lots of spokespersons. They have spokespeople.

I could really use a spokesperson.

I would have my spokesperson make all kinds of important announcements.

First off, I would make him a her – female. It’s good optics. Women are smarter and harder working. So says my wife, and I believe her. I think that’s a conclusion I arrived at by myself, but truthfully, after 20 years of marriage I’m not sure.

“I’m sorry, Paul is sleeping in today.”

My spokesperson will be conveying that message quite often. I’ll probably have interviewees say that phrase to test if they are up for the job. A little more convincing, please. Remember to convey the idea that Paul really needs to sleep in because he’s been WORKING HARD. Your job is to hide the truth – that I’m lazy.

She (spokeswoman?) would update the world on all kinds of mundane things about my life, similar to people updating their Facebook status with important information like what they are eating, how to boil water, and the latest thing you should be outraged about.

Yes, my spokesperson would, on a daily basis, express my outrage on a variety of issues, because if one doesn’t express the proper amount of outrage (in public) regarding various injustices, one is…just like the people committing the injustice.

I would bring my spokesperson in the car to shield me from dangerous situations. She would, for example, handle my road rage incidents for me. This would include flipping the bird, swearing with the window up or down and using the car as a barrier, all the while ready to confront any resulting violence, while I run away and catch a bus. You wouldn’t punch a woman, would you?

She would also handle the most important activity I engage in – praying. I like to sleep in on Sundays (every day, really, but especially Sundays) so she would handle my messages to God.

God: Who is this?

Spokesperson: Paul’s spokesperson.

God: And he’s…?

Spokesperson: Sleeping.

God: Ah. Well, tell him I’m all out of miracles today.

Spokesperson: I’ll pass that along.

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