Surprise! Latest Star Wars Movie Is Actually A Musical! OH, NOOOOOOO!

Unbeknownst to the press and we Star Wars geeks, Disney has insisted that the latest installment of the Star Wars, Rogue One, be made into a mega-franchise musical hoping to continue Disney’s legacy of hit making song and dance movies such as Mary Poppins and Frozen. Investors were fiercely opposed to this idea until made to think otherwise by an oversized Wookie henchman who threatened to rip his arms off.

Bringing in the musical team that put together the lyrics and sound to go with them for Disney’s big hit Frozen, the creators have come up with the following tunes that were covertly given to us by a disgruntled Jawa from the new film Wikileaks style.

The first appearance of the notorious Storm Troopers of the Dark Side of the Force is announced by the historic ‘Da,, da ,da da, dom da dom’ music famous from all the preceding Wars films, but then breaks quickly into the following ditty and dance:

(Sung to the tune of “I’m a Lumberjack and I’m OK”)

We’re Storm Troopers and we’re OK

we slay Jedi Knights

both night and day

Oh, we’re Dark Side and we’re OK

we stomp on Ewoks

then fry them with a laser ray.

Oh we’re storm troopers and we’re OK

under our armor is pink underwear

and we are really gay.

Yes we’re storm trooper and we’re really gay

and though you may not like it

for us it really makes our day!

The whole movie set returns to the planet of Tattoine where the original Star Wars film started. Hans Solo and Chewbacca are on hand to sing (actually Chewy pretty much grunts his way through it):

(Sung and grunted to the tune of ‘Oklahoma’)

Tattoine were the wind is hot as a Bantha’s breath

where your skin crinkles up like a banana peel

and chokes you half the way to death!

Tattoine where the girls all look like a rat that died

and their skin is so tough that it is like

a crocodile that has shed his hide.

Tattoine where two suns orbit up in the sky

and it gets so hot

that your brain is shot

and shrivels you up until you die.

Of course there must be a love interest in the movie (a required ingredient in all Disney flicks). A new, as yet unnamed Jedi meets a lovely princess (in all fictional Disney films the female lead must always be a princess). The pair express their love while singing:

(Sung to the tune of “There’s a Place for Us”)

Sung together) There’s a space for us,

A sublime space with no fuss

A whole galaxy with no Dark Force

and Ewoks, of course… somewhere….

There’s a star for us

Somewhere not so far from us.

A lovely planet with lots of air

if we dare to go there.

There’ll be a time for us

Long, long ago, before we were born


Yes, someday a time for us

in a galaxy far far away.

Hold what’s left of my hand

and we’re light year’s away

a space where we can play

a place where the creatures will understand,


Luke Skywalker appears older know, but is still haunted by the ghost of his long de-handed and deceased father Darth Vader:

(Sung to the tune of The Phantom of the Opera)

Luke sings) In my mind he calls to me

that dark masked man.

In dreams he beckons me

to take his hand.

And though he wants me there

right by his side,

the Sith Overlord is there, inside my mind

Vader sings) The Dark Force does now begin

to have power over you.

And though you shrink from it

yet still it allures

The Dark Force also lies inside of you.

Luke) I’ll never give in to you

Vader) Oh yes you will.

Luke) What you offer me, I do not want

Vader) It is your only hope for salvation!

Duet) What is in this darkness, that draws us near.
Is it the power of the Force that keeps me here?

– – – – – – – – –

The great finale comes as the Jedis and the goody side of the Force again vanquish many of the Dark side after many hand amputations, falls down steep precipices, numerous light saber battles and many wise intonations over the unseen power of both sides of the all-pervading entity. The great Knights all come together to sing the finale, a stupendous ode to their magnificent adventure.

(Sung to the tune of the ‘Jet Song’ from West Side Story)

Luke) When you’re a Jedi
you’re a Jedi all the way

from your first light saber

to your last dyin’ day

Obi-wan) When you’re a Jedi

you fight for the Light

you give them a bruising

without any respite!

Yoda) When you’re a Jedi

you fight the Dark Force

you send them to Hell

without any remorse.

Mace Windo) When you’re a Jedi

your saber will swing

Little boy, you’re a man

Little man you’re a king.

All together) Here come the Jedi’s

like a Rancor from hell

Storm troopers get in our way

soon they don’t feel so well.
Here come the Jedi’s
Bounty hunters step aside

run to your star ships

to save your damn hide!

Here come the Jedi’s

Yeah! And we’re gonna storm

every last bloody Darth

in any way, shape or form!

In any



or form!!!!


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