Ted Cruz Saves America with a Coloring Book

Ted Cruz endorsed a coloring book, which is selling like crazy, which shows him to be the super hero who saves America. Everyone should buy this book, color it in with patriotic colors and eat Cheerios … with maple syrup.

Above, Ted is fighting three snakes at once on the floor of the Senate. THREE SNAKES AT ONE TIME!! And he’s doing it while wearing a flag tie and a collared undershirt. Perfectly starched pants … on a snake fight to save our country! And no boner! Who doesn’t get a boner fighting Anacondas? Ted Cruz, that’s who. Because kids might be coloring in this book.

Note the words at the bottom of the snake page “does not constitute an endorsement … real life superhero.” We knew it. In order to save America, you have top be born somewhere else, like say… Canada. Donald Trump can’t save America. He was born in New York City. New York City? Get a rope! But good old Rafael “Ted” Cruz was born in Calgary, Canada. Calgary, where they have the famous Stampede. If you’re going to save America, fight three snakes at once, you got to do it in a hurry.

I’m thinking Canadians are pretty proud. America needs saving, they send one of their kids to live here. Just like when Krypton was dying, Jor-EL and Lara put little Kal-EL in a space ship and aimed him at Ma and Pa Kent’s farm to become a Superman, Canadians have the same kind of pride. They’re always trying to send people our way to save us. Sometimes they go nutty like Jim Carrey, sometimes they play good basketball like Steve Nash, sometimes they bring all these Canadian voices with them like Rich Little and sometimes they’re sent here just to save us. In Canada they’re just ordinary kids, but when they’re exposed to the lower latitudes their superpowers kick in.

Here’s another page you can color where Ted is riding an eagle while carrying a gun and his tie is much, much longer. Much much. When you’re fighting snakes, you wear a short tie. But when you saddle up on a eagle, a long tie, one that might tickle the eagle’s neck, is more appropriate. TED SAVES AMERICA!! This picture screams super hero. Here’s what I don’t get on this super hero business – did Ted shrink himself so he could ride an eagle or did he find a really, really large eagle? One that if we saw it in real life could pick up a cow … or your dad. I’m worried it might scare kids to see an eagle this large. A little boy might not even color it all the way in for fear it might come to life and whisk him away to an eagle’s nest … where the baby eagles are bigger than he is … and they eat him … while making their favorite screech “Cruuuuzz… Cruuuuzz.”


Here’s another really challenging page to color in. It pretty well gives a chronological of Ted and his family. It starts off in 1939 where his dad was born in Cuba. It skips the part where Daddy Cruz fought with Castro and the revolutionaries and tells us Ted’s mom was born in Delaware. I don’t know what color we use for Delaware. We could make it white, very white, like Joe Biden’s teeth. But, for sure, we color Cuba red, very red, cause they’re commies. Then you see after Ted’s mom and dad are married (see the interlocking wedding rings) little Ted is born in 1970. The next thing you see is a graduation cap, where he graduated from Princeton. Go ahead and color the cap black. If you have any black crayon left over from filling that enormous graduation cap use a little to paint Ted’s heart. It’s behind the hand holding the microphone. Next you continue on the Cruz history journey which leads to the White House. One the way you see where Ted and Heidi got married. This is signified by another set of interlocking wedding rings only you should notice these rings are much smaller than the ones his mom and dad had. Can you say cheapskate? Those rings are comparatively tiny – write with your crayon “Our Superhero is a cheapskate!”

Now, what color do we color in the word “Cruz”? It looks like a large intestine. And the color we select would depend on whether it’s empty … or full. I’ll leave that up to you.

All in all, it looks like a fun coloring book to waste your 64 piece set of Crayolas.

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One thought on “Ted Cruz Saves America with a Coloring Book”

  1. What a great find, Stan! And such a funny response. You inspired me to further research, which turned up that Amazon reviewers were incredibly split: 39% 5-star reviews and 51% 1-star reviews. But the split is explained by reading the 5-star ones. Here are excerpts from 3 of those:
    1. “I only have white crayons. But, as it turns out, that’s the only color required! Magnificent!”
    2. “Without books like this one, we are in danger of raising a new generation of open-minded and tolerant adults.”
    3. “This book showed up just in time, as my daughter recently finished her ‘Connect the Dots MEIN KAMPF.'”

    Other coloring books available through Amazon include “Help! There Are Liberals Under My Bed” and off-color coloring books for Trump and Hillary.

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