This is the first profile of McNob I came across. In it he portrays himself as a battle-hardened vet from the first Gulf War. A crude portrayal but that’s to be expected from the licentious soldiery. If Wellington’s troops frightened him, McNob would have made the Iron Duke fill his pants
McNob sprinkles a few clues to suggest he was a former member of the elite Special Forces. In other profiles he was far more specific. Perhaps here he was testing the water. He may have thought there’d be genuine members of the Special Forces on the pen pal site. In which case they’d soon unmask him. It may not have occurred to McNob that with their need to remain in the shadows a pen pal site is the last place you’d find someone from the Special Forces. Had McNob read any of the books written by his hero, Andy McNab, the penny might have dropped. However, in McNob’s case it’s almost impossible to dislodge that proverbial penny.
The temptation to pick this congenital bullshitter apart line by line was irresistible. It’s cruel, I know. But we live in a cruel world and this is nothing compared to what a genuine member of the Special Forces would do to him. So you could argue he’s getting off extremely lightly. In this case his ego is merely being bruised. But if the SAS had anything to do with it there wouldn’t be an unbroken bone in his body, both testicles would have been squashed flat and he’d have a cattle prod inserted in his fundamental orifice. And they’d just be softening him up before they got to the hard stuff.
Then there’s the bonus for any students of psychology. If you could mine a multiple personality disorder out of the ground this would be the mother lode. In fact, you wouldn’t even need to extract this stuff from the rock. It would pop out by itself. My critical look at McNob’s profile was conducted in a forensic manner befitting those TV heroes in CSI. Using my Standard Grammatical Legibility Scale I broke McNob’s profile down into segments. Each was then ruthlessly analyzed using cutting edge sarcastic technology.
In his profile McNob tells us a lot about himself. Too much, in fact! And all of it in capital letters. Just in case any prospective pen pals have impaired vision. But first another warning. Those of you who still have any respect for grammar and spelling should either take a strong drink or a powerful sedative before reading any further because this guy is the Hannibal Lecter of bad English.
In this profile McNob calls himself Fulmetaljacket. Like the Marines in Kubrick’s seminal Vietnam War movie it suggests McNob is au fair with military firearms and has probably used them in anger. Of course, it would have looked even more impressive had McNob spelt “Full” correctly. In his profile McNob attempts to tell prospective pen pals about himself.
“FULMETALJACKET
THATS ME
35 YEARS
MALE
1-WHY DO I HAVE TO , MAYBEE OR NOT TAKE YOUR PICK AND THROW IT OUT. TINA TURNER THE SINGER IF ANYBODY KNOWS HER, SAYS IN ONE OF HER VERY GOOD RECORDS ,SIMPLY THE BEST BETTER THAN ALL THE REST BETTER THAN ANYONE, AND YES THATS ME I AM THE BEST IN WHAT MY OCCUPATION WAS,”
If we were being charitable we could say it’s the dreaded Thick Fingers Syndrome. Some people have thick, stubby, fingers and this makes typing difficult on computer keyboards. However, when it comes to dealing with trolls the Trollbuster General does not practice charity. As for his boast that he’s the best, if he’s referring to bullshitters then he’s hit the nail on the head.
“I WAS TRAINED BY THE BEST AND I AM PROUD OF THAT,. I KNOW LONGER DO IT ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE STRANGE DIAGNOSES OF M.G.W.S,”
Yes, poor McNob was trained by the best but he can’t do it anymore because he’s got M.G.W.S I checked on the Internet and the closest match I could get was “Multiple Gigabit Wireless Systems.” Had the trauma of warfare turned McNob into a radio set? Is that why he left the SAS? Because he’d become a liability?
McNAB: It’s that c*nt McNob! Can’t he turn the volume down?
SAS MAN: Yeah, I don’t fancy getting killed because he’s playing the top ten!
On the other hand he may just have got the “W” the wrong way round. Maybe he meant MGSW. This would stand for Multiple Gunshot Wounds. If so, they weren’t multiple enough because he’s still alive. Indeed, in the next segment McNob gives us a terrifying glimpse into what this condition does to him.
“AND NIGHTMARES WHICH AS JUST COME ON IN THE PAST YEAR, OTHER FAULTS WITH ME ARE PSYCHOPATH TENDICIES RAGES FORGETING THINGS STRANGE BEHAVIOUR ETC ETC, WHICH I HAVE TABLETS FOR ETC,”
McNob is clearly an optimist. He reckons that someone with amnesia, nightmares, strange behaviour and psychopathic rages is just the sort of person who’d make a good pen pal. Because in McNob’s warped version of reality these are the qualities people are looking for when they seek someone to share their innermost thoughts with. But presumably only if they’re inmates in a hospital for the criminally insane.
Fortunately McNob has tablets for his condition. However, one wonders if there’s a drug strong enough to control this MGWS.
“SOMETIMES THE INTERNET IS ESCAPE FROM MY SOUL, WELL SORT OF, BIG LETTERS FOR A BIG MAN TO SEE THATS ME , DONT LIKE IT TOUGH LUCK. I AM NOT TELLING MY AGE ON HERE OR WHERE I AM IN THE WORLD , FOR SECURITY REASONS WHICH ARE OBVIOUS. ALSO I AM NOT PUTTING MY REAL PHOTO OF ME UP HERE ALSO, FOR THE SAME REASON, NO WAY I DONT WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH A BULLET IN MY HEAD, BUT THE PHOTO IS SIMILAR TO ME,”
Here he tells us he uses big letters for a big man to see. Is that why he types in capitals? Is McNob telling us that when they’re reading, big men need to see big letters? How would that work? And we’ve only just starting to discover this bizarre world McNob is describing for us. This could be a bumpy ride!
We now move into Tom Clancy territory. He’s keeping his age a secret as though that alone could identify him. Can you identify SAS men just by their age? That would be incredible.
Finally, McNob’s not putting a photo of himself on the profile because he doesn’t want to get a bullet in his head. If I was him I wouldn’t worry. If someone wanted to kill him the last place they’d shoot him is in the head because there’s nothing in there! As for the photo he refers to? It was a photo of an elephant. He looks like Dumbo? People are out to kill him for his tusks? Maybe in his mind they are. Maybe this is a result of his MGWS.
“PUT UP PHOTOS OF PLACES I HAVE BEEN IN THE WORLD, TO SHOW VIEWERS EXOTIC PLACES, I HAVE TRAVELLED TO IN MY LIFE, YOU SEE YOU DONT KNOW WHO IS WATCHING ON HERE, SO MY SECURITY AS TO BE THE BEST.”
After all that bullshit this is just what the doctor ordered. We need to see some exotic places. Of course, we could just Google them. And McNob knows that the wrong people may also be looking at his exotic photographs. People who want to do him harm. It’s clear that getting a pen pal can be a dangerous occupation if you’re a former Special Forces man.
So he reminds potential enemies that his security has to be the best. In other words, just let them try and look at his exotic photos and then see what happens. They’ll be dead before they hit the floor.
Well, we’ll have to leave it there because under UK Health & Safety regulations too much of McNob in one dose can lead to all sorts of mental problems. Don’t worry! There’ll be more in the next thrilling instalment…
I really must put the next one in the correct category! Too lazy to click on a simple in “Dashboard” I leave poor McNob in the Fiction setting! Yes, one could argue his profiles were fiction – the sort of fiction created after dropping some Grade 1 acid. But the rest is real…well, almost 95% real!