Donald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic duty to check into these shocking allegations and uncover whether his claims could be substantiated. It turns out Donald Trump is correct. The election IS rigged against him. The proof is extensive and conclusive.
First, Trump claims the liberal media has conspired to make him look bad – using nothing more than his own words – and the words of over a dozen female accusers – against him. But Trump argues vehemently that all of his female accusers are lying. And whose word are you going to believe, anyway? Their claims that Trump sexually assaulted them by kissing and groping them without their permission? Or Trump’s words claiming he routinely kisses and gropes women without their permission? Trump further adds that the media hasn’t devoted any coverage to what he speculates are numerous sex scandals involving Hillary with attractive younger male models. “It’s so unfair,” argues Trump.
Trump also has alleged that he has evidence there will be rampant voting fraud on election day at many polling locations. He may be right about this. From my research, I’ve uncovered evidence there could be literally millions of people conspiring to secretly enter voting locations scattered throughout the country, after which they’ll close the curtains to hide their clandestine actions before surreptitiously pulling the lever for the enemy candidate. And from what I can tell, there is no one – other than Trump – attempting to stop them.
In addition, Donald Trump now claims there is a massive covert conspiracy of international bankers, foreign powers, powerful oligarchs, Mark Cuban, former Trump University students and approximately 2,700 attractive women Trump may or may not have hit on between 1975 and approximately two hours before I published this article, all plotting to steal the election for Hillary. Exactly how all of these disparate forces are coordinating their efforts to commit this election fraud will be revealed shortly after the election, when Trump launches his new populist conspiracy news network, TRUMP TV.
Further evidence of election rigging: I’ve uncovered conclusive proof the Democrats created a series of brainwashing messages (campaign commercials) featuring old tapes of Trump saying things that admittedly are rather incriminating – such as “Mexican immigrants are rapists” and “John McCain was not a war hero”. While Trump did in fact make all these comments, in his defense, he had no idea at the time that months later people would be stupid enough to select him as the Republican presidential nominee. So he blames his supporters for their lapses in judgement.
I also have newly revealed indications that the electoral math may be rigged. It appears that with few exceptions, almost all the states that prefer Hillary (California, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania) will be assigned more electoral votes than those states that prefer Trump (North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Arkansas, etc.) Trump has argued this is totally unfair and was obviously implemented in this election specifically to give Hillary more votes. He tweeted this morning, “What did West Virginia ever do to deserve such second class electoral status?”
There is now irrefutable proof that the Russians are trying to alter the outcome of this year’s presidential race by releasing thousands of embarrassing emails right before the election. By doing so they are attempting to trash Trump’s reputation with outright lies to – [excuse me. What did you say? The Russians are trying to embarrass HILLARY to help TRUMP win the election? Seriously?] Like I was saying, Donald Trump thinks Vladimir Putin is a great leader and doesn’t believe bogus claims that Russia might be trying to hack Hillary’s emails. Utter nonsense.
In hindsight, it appears the debates were fixed against Trump, too. While Trump was trying to Make America Great Again by holding rallies in front of throngs of adoring, angry low-information voters, Hillary was cheating by fiendishly doing extensive debate prep BEFORE the debates even took place. Nobody informed Mr. Trump the debate questions were going to be so hard. He has requested a debate do-over, but so far, none of the networks has replied. He plans to sue – everybody.
Trump also has new evidence to back up his previous claim that Ted Cruz’s father was part of a conspiracy to kill JFK. I’m not quite sure how this has anything to do with manipulating 2016’s election. Perhaps he just wanted to take another dig at that annoying Ted Cruz. Who can blame him?
It’s now abundantly clear that the Hillary for President conspiracy is far more widespread than initially suspected. Trump has evidence that suggests the DNC has gone so far as to bribe thousands of corrupt judges all over this great land to allow millions of dangerous and shady characters to vote who Trump feels have no right to vote, specifically the following nefarious, notoriously radical extremist fringe groups: Muslims, Hispanics, blacks, women, gays, and anyone with more than a 6th grade education.
From my exhaustive research, I’m able to report that it appears Hillary Clinton has in fact conspired to get millions of Americans to vote against Trump – apparently bribing them with “I’M WITH HER” buttons – by spewing a series of egregious lies about Trump, painting him as an arrogant, thin-skinned, vengeful, unstable, authoritarian, lying, bullying narcissist, racist, and misogynist billionaire, whose only goal is self-aggrandizement and adulation. But most of this is simply not true – and by “most of this” I mean, of course, the part about Trump being a billionaire.
When asked whether he will accept the outcome of the election, Trump said it depends on whether or not he loses. But if he does lose, he plans to file a multi-trillion-dollar lawsuit, suing every person who played a part in causing his electoral defeat. Trump campaign advisers have suggested in that case, he might want to start by suing himself.
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Check out Tim Jones’ latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time