Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.
In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment.
Here are some of Trump’s recent appointments, along with his explanation for the choice.
For Director of the CIA: Boris Badenov (the Russian spy on Rocky and Bullwinkle)
Trump: “There’s a lot of nasty stuff going on lately and I need someone who I can trust – someone who knows a thing or two about how spying works. That’s why I chose Boris. He will reveal the dark, embarrassing secrets of my detractors and keep our country safe by ruining their careers. Besides, Boris’ ruler is a close personal friend of mine and he says Boris is great at hacking into email servers.”
Secretary of the Army: Sylvester Stallone
“One word: Rambo. Just imagine how much ISIS butt he’ll kick now that he’s got nukes to play with. I thought about selecting Jim Nabors due to his experience playing Marine Private Gomer Pyle. But then I read a tweet that the actor was gay. One thing’s for sure: Our nation has never allowed gays in the military, and under a Trump Administration, it will stay that way. #I love the gays.”
Surgeon General: Chris Christie
“Previous administrations have deceived the American people with bogus studies on the health risks of fast food, smoking and lack of exercise. I don’t believe their lies any more than I believe all the lies scientists are spreading about so-called global warming. To prove my point, I’ve picked someone who shares my love of Kentucky Fried Chicken and hot fudge sundaes. Besides, standing next to Christie makes me look skinny.”
“Who knows the Average Joe better than the guy who fleeced them out of their entire life savings? Bernie will dismantle all those burdensome, unnecessary regulations on our financial institutions whose billionaire CEO’s employ thousands of Average Joe’s in exciting minimum wage jobs. Besides, during the presidential primaries, people were chanting Bernie’s name constantly. Americans love Bernie for some reason – but not as much as they love me.”
Head of the Food and Drug Administration; Martin Shkreli (formers CEO, Turing Pharmaceuticals)
“This guy took a popular, barely affordable drug for the elderly and jacked up the price from $56 to $750 a pill. Talk about knowing how to manipulate the system for unprecedented profits! Oh sure, liberals will whine that this dude’s an evil, self-absorbed narcissist who took advantage of poor people for his own financial gain. But you know what I call him? A WINNER! What can I say – he reminds me of me.”
Transportation Security Administration Head: Ayman al-Zawahiri (current head of al-Qaeda)
“Now that Osama bin Laden’s gone – thanks to me, by the way for giving President Obama the idea to take him out – al-Qaeda’s top guy is someone I trust because he is a straight shooter. Besides, I was elected on a promise to blow things up in Washington. And who knows more about blowing things up than this guy?”
There are also some brand-new cabinet agencies Trump plans to create. Below are some of them, along with the people he has in mind.
Secretary of Women’s Rights: Bill Cosby
“I want my Cabinet to reflect the values I hold dear. And nobody knows how women feel more than Bill Cosby – because he has felt thousands of them. Plus, Kellyanne told me I needed another black guy in my Cabinet. So sad.”
Secretary of Social Media: Jason Reinhardt, age 16, of Central Valley High School in Tulsa, OK
“This just might be the most important position in my administration. I wanted only the best for this job. That’s why I chose Jason. I’ve been following him for months. This guy tweets the most amazing unfounded rumors. And I’ll pay him in video games, saving the taxpayers millions. I’ve no idea where Jason gets his information, but that’s not really my concern. And he’s awesome with emoticons.”
Secretary of Journalistic Responsibility: North Korean Dictator, Kim Jong-un
“This guy knows a thing or two about how to keep those nasty, lying journalists in their place. I have the utmost respect for his leadership. I promise to bring the same kind of dictatorship leadership back to America. #Washington Post, you’re fired!”
Secretary of Stopping Alec Baldwin from Impersonating Me on SNL: Joey “The Animal” Barboza
“Let’s just say, Joey comes with glowing recommendations from some people I know in the Gambino family. This position is priority #1 for me right now. And trust me, Joey is just the guy for the job.”
When asked about the thought process behind some of his most recent appointments, Trump tweeted that he consulted several key Washington outsiders to help him narrow down his list of candidates. He regularly meets with his two closest personal advisers, Vladimir Putin and Scott Baio. But for the really difficult decisions, he said he usually turns to his trusted Magic 8- Ball, like he did when he decided whether to run for president.
Looks like an exciting four years ahead of us.
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Check out Tim Jones’ latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time