NOTE: these are actual holidays as have been designated or proclaimed by various committees of people. I am not making them up.
National Train Your Brain Day (10/13)
A good excuse to brush up on your super powers. I have the power to make people think that I’m an inanimate object that can screw with them because I’m actually a conduit for beings from another dimension. It’s always big fun.
National Knock Knock Joke Day (10/31)
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boozoo
Boozoo who?
Boozoo Chavis, dumbo.
(Boozoo Chavis is a real guy. Check him out, yo.)
National Pro-Life Cupcake Day. (10/9)
It’s amazing, the stuff people can come up with, isn’t it? I’m going to bake up some tasty cupcakes and take them to a family planning clinic (I’m sorry, I meant Death Clinic) where some Pro-Life saints are congregating. I’ll pass out cupcakes to all those freedom fighters and whenever someone takes a bite of one of my tasty cupcakes, I’ll look deep into their eyes and whisper;
“Inside each of those tasty cupcakes I baked a tiny
little growing life and now you’ve eaten it. Shame
on you.”
National Free Thought Day (10/12)
Yes, I fancy myself to be quite the free-thinker so I’m going to spend most of this day laying around and thinking witty and profound thoughts that no one has ever thought of before (or if they have, they didn’t tell me about it). Then I’ll post them on Medium for the benefit of inquiring minds that are tired of reading National Inquirer.
National No Bra Day (10/14)
I encourage all sexy women to observe this auspicious occasion and I intend to lead by example. Come on ladies, are you with me?
National Take A Hike Day (11/17)
For whatever reason, people seem to have this inexplicable need to confide in me all kinds of personal stuff, I don’t know why. So, on this day, whenever anyone starts to bore me with their deep insights into the human condition or maybe with some tale of personal misfortune or maybe starts talking about some stupid dream they had last night, I’ll just tell them to take a hike. But not in a mean-spirited or dismissive sort of way. I’ll say it like I really, really get what they’re saying and I’m offering a truly heartfelt response.
You were driving down Interstate 29 and you saw a cloud that reminded you of me.
Ok, I guess I’m a little intrigued but still, take a hike.
You say that irritable bowel syndrome has given you a new perspective on life?
Take a hike.
You’re pretty sure that Hillary would have done a good job if elected.
A good job of what, making the world safe for Northrup Grumman, Raytheon, and Halliburton? Take a hike.
You’ve realized that Ayn Rand was really on to something and so you’ve decided to become the captain of your destiny. Consequently, you’ve become a Libertarian and you believe that Penn Jillette has some really important things to say.
Take a hike. No, seriously, get your ass away from me right now. (Ok, I guess that could be interpreted as a little brusk but I’m a human being and I have limits.)
National TV Talk Show Host Day (10/23)
It falls (not surprisingly) on Johnny Carson’s birthday. Carson was, by all accounts, a super dick in private life. He was abusive to his wife. I’m going to put on a Johnny Carson face mask and go around in public referring to women as broads and dames. I’ll run up to some women and proclaim, Heeeeeere’s Johnny! Then maybe give’em a pinch on the butt or a titty-twister. I mean, after all, it’s Johnny, right?
National Dictionary Day (10/16)
I’ve been making up some new words that I think might be a big hit in the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary.
Pheneubrious: (adj.) Doubtful, yet intriguing. Like the possibility that you might actually have been the one, all along.
Norkeling: (n. or v.) Kind of like canoodling only sloppier.
Fundibular (adj.) I’ve actually never come up with a definition for this word even though I received an excellent grade on a college philosophy term paper titled Fundibular Modes In Post-Modern Thought.
Hosieur (n.) a person who naturally possesses such destructive personal energy that their very presence is sufficient to derail the legitimate efforts of anyone within proximity. In the world of gambling, this person would be known as a Cooler.
National LGBTQ Center Awareness Day (10/19)
I’ve been practicing for six weeks and now I can say it without screwing it up. It’s L,G,B,T ,Q— right? Did I get it right? And it is technically NOT an acronym. Ok.
National Meth Awareness Day (11/30)
Hey, are all you folks out there aware of meth? Well, if not, then just watch a few of episodes of Breaking Bad. Whether you want to make millions of dollars or just rock a serious buzz, meth is definitely the way to go. Well, at least for a while, but then things will prolly start to get weird because creepy buzz-kill people who want to rob you will start loitering in the bushes outside your apartment but that’s no problem because you’ve got a pump-action shotgun and you’ll be ready to tango. But first, how about a nice tall glass of Henry McKenna and another episode of Breaking Bad.
National Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day (10/30)
What an excellent holiday. More liquor and more meth! More Netflix! Actually, since you’re supposed to stay at home, I’ll have to have the liquor and meth delivered. No problem.
National Mole Day (10/23)
I had a mole on my cheek that grew into a second nose. At the insistence of family and friends I had it removed but now I feel incomplete. I’m glad I took the photos and I cherish the memories.
I think you have found a fountain of new holidays here. Not sure if Hallmark will climb on board for all of them but you never know!