What If Parents Bickered the Way Kids Do?

I am in Bickering Hell.

My two teen boys (15 and 18) should be well past the little-kid stage of incessant bickering over insanely stupid things, like whose sneakers smell worse or who got more soda. Yet, some days, within seconds of waking up, they’re in each other’s faces, arguing over, well, everything. They inflict more verbal jabs than a Donald Trump campaign speech.

No, I didn’t. Yes, you did. No, I didn’t! Well you started it. You’re a dorkwad. Yeah, well you’re an idiot. MOM!

Please, just make it stop.

In the wise words of Rodney King, “Can we all just get along?”

Apparently not.

Can you just imagine if parents spent the entire day relentlessly squabbling over Seinfeldesque trivialities? We might bicker over:

1. Who should go out in their pajamas to get the newspaper.
2. Who gets to read the entertainment section first.
3. Who started the tickle fight that ended up with someone getting elbowed in the eye.
4. Who gets to shower first.
5. Whose short-and-curly is stuck to the bar of soap.
6. Who misplaced the Powerball ticket with four matching numbers on it.
7. Who should run to Lowe’s to pick up drywall screws in the middle of the bathroom remodeling project.
8. Who gets to sit in the passenger seat while we run errands together.
9. Whether we should listen to classic 80s rock or John Tesh’s Intelligence for Your Life on the car radio.
10. Who forgot to bring the “free taco” coupon when we went out for lunch at Tijuana Flats.
11. What time the neighbors should come over for a swim.
12. Who should run out for more chips and salsa now that we’re all in the pool.
13. What time the neighbors should leave so we don’t have to feed them dinner.
14. How to fold the pool towels the “right” way.
15. Who ate the last square of Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate and Sea Salt.
16. Who had the harder major in college.
17. Whether Van Halen was better with or without David Lee Roth.
18. Whether we should bag the grass clippings or let them lay on the lawn.
19. Which route to Costco is faster.
20. Whether Miley Cyrus ruined or revamped her career by twerking.
21. Who has to cook dinner tonight.
22. Who gets the bigger glass of wine.
23. Who gets to drink out of the only frosted mug left in the freezer.
24. Who forgot to record Shark Tank.
25. Whether Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel is funnier.
26. Who gets to lay on the bigger couch when we watch TV.
27. Who should get up and turn the fan on.
28. Whether Friends or Seinfeld was the best sitcom ever.
29. Who was sicker the last time we all had the flu.
30. Who coughs the loudest.
31. Who has to run back out at 10pm to pick up milk for tomorrow’s breakfast.
32. Who has to get up at 3am to investigate that loud bump we just heard downstairs.

The insanity of hearing two adults engaged in non-stop petty fights is enough to drive . . . . Wait a minute – if we play it right, our parent version of Family Feud might just drive our teens out of the house for the day, ensuring at least 8-10 hours of quiet bliss. Hmmm, methinks a solution is at hand.

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