What’s your superpower? | HumorOutcasts

What’s your superpower?

December 28, 2016
By

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling sort of powerless in the wake of the presidential election. So with the fantastical thinking and intellect of a five-year-old (remind you of an orange-faced someone with bad hair?), I got to fantasizing about what if I had a superpower (or ten) to make me feel more in control.

Here’s what I came up with:

Telekinesis—I could cause Trump’s hair to get all messed up or his pants to fall down when he’s giving a speech, or hide the nuclear codes should he have a retaliatory hissy fit over some perceived slight by another country. Oh, and make my reading glasses or keys come to me when I can’t find them.

Teleportation—I could send Trump and his minions to another galaxy with no way of getting back to Earth. Or I could beam myself to wherever I want to travel, avoiding traffic, crowds and the expense, hassle and germ-laden recirculated air of commercial airlines.

X-ray vision—I could observe how Trump, his family and advisors interact when the cameras aren’t on. I’d combine this with super-acute hearing so I could eavesdrop on their conversations, and the ability to preempt regular TV programming and simulcast those conversations live to the world. Plus, I could see through walls to check out how people have decorated their homes.

Time travel—I could travel back in time and somehow prevent Trump from being born (or at least from running for President). While I’m in the past, I could also do or say a few things differently (like not living for 4+ years with a freeloading loser). And I could go into the future to figure out what stocks I should buy or sell to boost my retirement portfolio.

Speed—A la Superman, I would be “faster than a speeding bullet” so I could slap Kellyanne Conway, Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter every time they open their mouths, but it would happen so quickly they wouldn’t know what hit ‘em. I could also clean the house, get ready to go out or do grocery shopping in seconds. Or pee so fast in middle of night that I wouldn’t really wake up.

Gender reassignment—With a wiggle of my nose, I could transform a misogynist into a woman so he’d experience first-hand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of sexual harassment, discrimination or assault. And for trans folks, I could enable them to be the gender they’re meant to be, without surgery.

Mind control—I could zap someone’s brain and impart intelligence, empathy, compassion and kindness, and destroy prejudice and hate. And stop Trump from tweeting anything but messages of unity and reason. And make Mike Pence get over his homophobia and act like the Christian he purports to be.

Mandatory truth-telling—With a click of my fingers, all politicians would be constitutionally unable to tell a lie (a la Jim Carrey’s character in the movie “Liar, Liar”). They would be compelled to truthfully answer every question they’re asked during interviews, debates and one-on-one conversations (except in regard to legitimate matters of national security). And the media would be compelled to report everything completely and accurately.

Political dysphagia—If getting politicians to always tell the truth proves too insurmountable a task, then I could wave a magic wand and all Americans would be rendered unable to swallow B.S. from politicians or fake news sites.

Accelerated healing—A la Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine character in the X-Men franchise, we could, as a country, heal quickly from the wounds that this election has inflicted, and emerge even stronger and more united. I’d also be able to immediately regrow a fingernail when one breaks and, if I ever have a facelift, experience no swelling or bruising, and look extremely refreshed right away.

Seriously, though, there are things within our power that we can do, actions we can take, to fight back against the racism, bigotry, misogyny, xenophobia and hate that the incoming administration has unleashed:

  • Give whatever you’re able—money and/or time—to organizations that advocate for the progressive, humanistic values you believe in. These groups include the ACLU (https://www.aclu.org), Southern Poverty Law Center (https://www.splcenter.org), Planned Parenthood (https://www.plannedparenthood.org), National Network for Immigrant and Refugee Rights (http://www.nnirr.org), and the Human Rights Campaign (http://www.hrc.org).
  • Call or write legislators and make your position known on issues that are important to you, such as Republican threats to gut Medicare and Social Security, do away with the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), ignore climate change, restrict women’s reproductive rights, or Trump’s appointment of deplorable cabinet members.
  • Offer support to people around you when their safety is being threatened by this alt-right-fueled surge of hateful behavior.
  • Boycott businesses that carry Trump products or espouse hatred in any form.

We baby boomers came of age in a tumultuous time when we protested the Vietnam War, the draft and a dishonest president. We know how to do this.

So let’s go. Flex your activist muscles. Push back, call out, speak up, vote, run for office, volunteer, march in peaceful protests. Just don’t remain silent or complacent. Or humorless.

And remember:

We boomers do have
a superpower, and it’s
our collective voice.

What do you have to say? What pretend superpowers would you like to have—and how would you use them? And what are you doing to combat the forces of hatred, prejudice and bigotry in real-life? Please share…

Read more of my humor here.

Roxanne Jones

Roxanne Jones blogs at www.boomerhaiku.com, a mostly light-hearted, often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer, 17 syllables at a time. When she’s not tapping out haikus, she’s a freelance medical copywriter, enjoys chardonnay and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.

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6 Responses to What’s your superpower?

  1. January 2, 2017 at 12:50 pm

    I would like to be able to talk to animals, like Dr. Doolittle. I would send messages to all the birds in New York and Washington, and get them to shower Donald Trump with bird poop whenever he says anything stupid or crazy. I would also know what my cat is saying whenever she makes those squeaky little cat noises.

    • January 2, 2017 at 3:41 pm

      That would be a GREAT superpower, Kathy. And I like the way you’d use it!

  2. Elaine Boatin
    December 29, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Yes, we do have powers, even we who are too old to be Boomers. Give! Volunteer!

  3. Bill Spencer
    December 28, 2016 at 11:07 am

    I LOVE this post! It’s imaginative and funny, and it has redeeming social value to spare.

    • December 29, 2016 at 9:03 am

      Thanks, Bill! You’ve got a superpower when it comes to encouraging your fellow writers!



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