Workaholic

Society looks down on workaholism but I actually wish I was a workaholic.

I’m more of a work alcoholic. Drinking while I work turns me into a napaholic, plus I suffer from napolepsy.

Not much gets done around me.

I figure I would rule the world if I worked as hard as Marissa Mayer (CEO of Yahoo!) does. While employed at Google, she worked 130 hours a week.

If you Google “Hard Work” you will not see a picture of Marissa because she was too busy to show up on picture day.

On her off time, Marissa works from home, with the actual work week totalling 167 hours. Ah, but you say, there are 168 hours in a week. What does Mrs. Lazy Bones do for that one hour? It’s used for the inconveniences of life: blinking, breathing, flossing, bathroom breaks, makeup application. Showers are taken at the car wash.

Every week, Marissa was declared employee of the month. If people stood beside her for 5 minutes, their work would be done too.

She’s not religious, but even God felt the need to have a word with her. “Marissa, yer making me look bad. Even I took Sunday off.”

One night, pregnant and working a 24-hour and 11 minute day (the earth’s rotation had slowed slightly, so that day went to 11), Marissa noticed her water broke. Out came smart water, obviously. She rushed to the photocopier to lie down and give birth, accidentally pressed the copy button and out of the tray came her baby’s twin. Her mat leave consisted of, “Get a wet vac in here and tell the Board I’ll be two minutes late.”

Her adorable twins, pushing 9 months old, now work 80 hours a week and look forward to meeting their mother some day.

Asked to comment on this article, Marissa said, “You Yahoo.”