2017 Year in Review: Sex, Lies and Audiotape

It was a year unlike any other when it comes to famous men being accused of engaging in unsolicited naughty things involving penises in the presence of unsuspecting members of both genders.

It’s true that this type of behavior by the male species has been going on ever since Fred Flintstone trapped Betty Rubble one booze-filled New Year’s Eve night in the kitchen of the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo lodge and peeled off the tiger-skin robe he was wearing to display his stone-age junk. Poor Betty was too shocked and embarrassed to ever tell anyone about the incident. And so it forever remained a secret between the two of them, both of whom had no idea that their spouses Wilma and Barney had been getting it on consensually for years (Ever notice Pebbles looks nothing like Fred? Just saying.). But I digress… The point is that unlike Betty Rubble, today’s victims are finally speaking out about such behavior.

It all started this year with Hollywood movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, who used his power to pile up what to a normal human would be an ego-deflating record number of no thank yous from Hollywood starlets. But such rejection seemed to rev old Harvey’s penile engine and so these poor gals found themselves forced to either endure the advances of the fat, ugly man or say goodbye to their careers. Those who stuck around were treated to such alleged fun as massages, rape and, in one case, having to watch Harvey jerk off into a potted plant. As traumatic as that must have been for the young lady, imagine how violated that innocent plant felt.

Harvey’s power play went on for years until one of the ladies finally came forward opening the door for a parade of other women claiming to have been victims of the man’s disappearing robe routine. But Harvey wasn’t alone; other men in positions of power were taking advantage of their leverage over young hopefuls and the Weinstein women’s bravery broke the damn for those victims to come forward.

It turned out Kevin Spacey who played scumbag politician Francis Underwood so convincingly in the Netflix drama House of Cards wasn’t really acting all that much; he was simply playing himself. Spacey wasn’t into masturbating in front of young female actresses and potted plants; Kevin’s thing involved reaching inside the pants of young male actors and latching onto their junk.

The growing list of others accused of inappropriate behavior included such seemingly unlikely violators as Dustin Hoffman, Charlie Rose, Mario Batali, Tavis Smiley and even Garrison Keillor for fuck sake! And the hits just kept on coming; but this behavior wasn’t confined to the entertainment industry.

In 2016, Donald Trump somehow managed to win the right to methodically destroy our country despite having been accused by numerous women of sexual assault. Even an audio recording of the Donald admitting to having used his position of power to “grab ‘em by the pussy” had little effect on the misogynists, white supremacists, Nazi’s and just plain stupid white people who turned out on election day and voted for the piece of shit.

But 2017 was a new year and others in Washington were not so lucky. Minnesota Senator Al Franken resigned after being accused of touching ladies’ fannies while posing for photos. And many other pols lost their jobs after accusations of varying degrees of unwanted adolescent behavior. Apparently even former President George H.W. Bush hadn’t let being confined to a wheelchair interfere with his predilection for ass-grabbing accompanied by dirty jokes.

But the king of dirty politicians for 2017 was Roy Moore, the bigoted former attorney general of Alabama who was running for a coveted senate seat representing a state populated by enough nutcases to have helped Trump win the presidency. Moore was accused by one woman of having taken her to his home and undressing her when she was just fourteen. Other accusations included Moore repeatedly stalking teenage girls to the point that he was banned from a local mall. Quite an accomplishment for a man who was a 32-year-old assistant district attorney at the time.

Not surprisingly, President Pussy-Grabber fully endorsed Moore in his bid for the senate. Fortunately enough of the people Moore shit on most—minorities and LGBT members—hated him so much they voted for the other candidate, helping defeat the scumbag.

Yes, 2017 was a tough year for pervy men and the women brave enough to finally come out of hiding and say enough is enough.

It was also a tough year for potted plants.

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