1. If you re-gift a gift that you hate, be careful not to re-gift it to the person who gave it to you in the first place.
2. Don’t yell at Aunt Louise when she stares at your carefully wrapped gift and says, “It’s so pretty I hate to open it.” You knew she was going to say that, then take ten minutes to open the gift because she can’t bear to tear the paper, but you gave her a beautifully wrapped gift, anyway. The whole thing is your fault.
3. Don’t take a tiny present and put it into a big box. Just don’t. That went out with childhood.
4. If Uncle Farley eats garlic for breakfast, wears the same clothes for seven days in a row, never showers or washes his hair and is drunk as a frat boy at a party, you don’t have to kiss him at midnight on New Year’s Day.
5. Try not to fall asleep in church during midnight Mass. The priests won’t appreciate the competition from you, snoring in a pew.
6. Be patient with the goyim when they ask you dumb questions about Hanukkah. They don’t know any better, the poor things.
7. If you can sing every verse of The Twelve Days of Christmas accurately, from memory, you are a better person than most of us.
8. If you insist on singing every verse of The Twelve Days of Christmas, you are more of an obnoxious idiot than most of us.
9. The difference between children, adults and adults who never grew up is apparent on snow days.
10. The Christmas tree must come down once either New Year’s Day or the Feast of the Epiphany is over. The three wise men went back home. That means it’s over for another year. No exceptions.