Counterfeit Condoms Have Met Their Match? | HumorOutcasts

Counterfeit Condoms Have Met Their Match?

March 28, 2017

Rarely do I feel compelled to deliver messages for public safety, but in this case I would be remiss if I did not spread the word, so here it goes.

US federal agents have confiscated 40,000 counterfeit condoms in Puerto Rico.  Yep, fake condoms. The FDA, Homeland Security and Immigration and Customs agents were on the ball and seized the bad condoms which were manufactured in China. Thank goodness that travel ban was delayed. If these agencies were distracted by immigrants, the counterfeit condoms could have crept into our country, and God knows what the result might have been.

We need to be serious for one moment because not only are the condoms duds, but they were made with hazardous materials such as cyanide, arsenic, mercury, lead, urine and rat droppings.  Yikes!

I have contemplated this threat to national penises and I have come up with a solution that might keep all of them safe and “non-productive” the way many of them want them to be: Flex Seal.



Yep, you read that right. The infomercial rubberized product that can plug holes in boats preventing them from going down to the deep.  If this product can stop ships from sinking, it can stop semen from swimming. This could be the most important advancement in birth control since abstinence.  And the best thing about Flex Seal is that it comes in different colors and different forms for whatever mood you are in.

Flex Seal spray: for the no-nonsense guy who wants to cover it as quickly as possible and get to the job at hand.

Flex Seal one shot: for the frugal guy who thinks neatness counts and doesn’t want to waste any product.

Flex Seal in the big can: for those who like to make birth control an art project. Everyone involved pick out a color, pick up a paint brush and set the mood.

And finally, Flex Tape—real easy to put on but  not real easy to take off.  Probably for the no pain-no gain romp.

Still doubtful? Look at what the miracle product has to offer:

  • Super Strong, Waterproof  and it instantly stops the toughest leak
  • Grips on and bonds instantly
  • It works even under water (hot tubs, oceans, pools…you get my drift.)
  • Triple thick adhesive welds itself to most surfaces
  • Available In super wide sizes to patch large holes (every guy will think this is them)

I think I’m onto something here.

Disclaimer:  Do not try this at home. Do not try this on a boat. Do not try this in your car. Do not try this underwater. Do not try this on your roof. Do not try this anywhere. Do not take this seriously. 


Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books ( As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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9 Responses to Counterfeit Condoms Have Met Their Match?

  1. Bill Y "The Legend" Ledden
    April 2, 2017 at 7:29 am

    LovIn’ your work here Don Don’s. It’s a wrap.

  2. March 29, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    It’s kinda hard (you should pardon the expression) for guys to carry a can of Flex Seal in their wallets along with the condoms, though. Maybe the company could, ahem, come up with a travel size?

    • March 29, 2017 at 9:24 pm

      Smaller versions of the tape. That would work. I like how your marketing mind works!

  3. March 28, 2017 at 6:35 pm

    The infomercial people should have advertised this! The sales of Flex Seal would have exploded! LOL! 😀

    • March 29, 2017 at 7:11 am

      I think they missed a golden opportunity!

  4. Bill Spencer
    March 28, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    For men eager to seal the deal.

  5. March 28, 2017 at 12:42 pm

    You’re looking out for us. Oh, how sweet. 🙂

    • March 29, 2017 at 7:12 am

      I always look out for the weaker sex oh comic chef! LOL

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