Rarely do I feel compelled to deliver messages for public safety, but in this case I would be remiss if I did not spread the word, so here it goes.
US federal agents have confiscated 40,000 counterfeit condoms in Puerto Rico. Yep, fake condoms. The FDA, Homeland Security and Immigration and Customs agents were on the ball and seized the bad condoms which were manufactured in China. Thank goodness that travel ban was delayed. If these agencies were distracted by immigrants, the counterfeit condoms could have crept into our country, and God knows what the result might have been.
We need to be serious for one moment because not only are the condoms duds, but they were made with hazardous materials such as cyanide, arsenic, mercury, lead, urine and rat droppings. Yikes!
I have contemplated this threat to national penises and I have come up with a solution that might keep all of them safe and “non-productive” the way many of them want them to be: Flex Seal.
Yep, you read that right. The infomercial rubberized product that can plug holes in boats preventing them from going down to the deep. If this product can stop ships from sinking, it can stop semen from swimming. This could be the most important advancement in birth control since abstinence. And the best thing about Flex Seal is that it comes in different colors and different forms for whatever mood you are in.
Flex Seal spray: for the no-nonsense guy who wants to cover it as quickly as possible and get to the job at hand.
Flex Seal one shot: for the frugal guy who thinks neatness counts and doesn’t want to waste any product.
Flex Seal in the big can: for those who like to make birth control an art project. Everyone involved pick out a color, pick up a paint brush and set the mood.
And finally, Flex Tape—real easy to put on but not real easy to take off. Probably for the no pain-no gain romp.
Still doubtful? Look at what the miracle product has to offer:
- Super Strong, Waterproof and it instantly stops the toughest leak
- Grips on and bonds instantly
- It works even under water (hot tubs, oceans, pools…you get my drift.)
- Triple thick adhesive welds itself to most surfaces
- Available In super wide sizes to patch large holes (every guy will think this is them)
I think I’m onto something here.
Disclaimer: Do not try this at home. Do not try this on a boat. Do not try this in your car. Do not try this underwater. Do not try this on your roof. Do not try this anywhere. Do not take this seriously.