Deep cleaning: is that even a thing? | HumorOutcasts

Deep cleaning: is that even a thing?

April 17, 2017

Our son, James, has shown some disturbing qualities, and I blame my husband, Patrick, who has been his stepfather since 1991.

Let me explain.

The other day we were talking with James, and he mentioned that he and his wife were hiring someone to do some ‘deep cleaning’ for them.

My reaction was, “Deep cleaning? Is that even a thing?”

Photo courtesy Depositphotos, used with permission

James explained that with parenting two small children and busy schedules, they couldn’t get to all the sticky smudges and hidden crevices during routine cleaning.

I was baffled, but Patrick nodded, and joined the conversation with animation. “You mean like under the couch? And the overhead fans? And the shower?”

James got excited. “Yes, and cupboards, the refrigerator, and the baseboards!”

I responded, “Wait a minute. I can’t see the overhead fans because they are too high. I don’t look under the couch unless I can’t find my corkscrew. And if I splatter something on the cupboard or refrigerator, I wipe it off. As for baseboards, they are always slightly blurry, since they are just at the right angle to view through that sweet spot in my progressive lenses known as ‘blissful denial.’

I never wear my glasses in the shower, so I can’t see mold or soap scum. And who am I to disturb this delicate eco-environment? My priority is getting in and out of that hygienic death trap without breaking a hip.”

When I realized I was talking to myself, and Patrick and James had moved on to a discourse about vacuuming radiators, I saw the magnitude of the issue.

How could a son, born to a mother bearing the title “Queen of Superficial Cleaning,” concern himself with deep cleaning and dust free radiators?

Where did I go wrong?

My version of a wall growth chart was measuring how high the handprints and boogers were from the floor. And I named our dust bunnies so they were like family pets.

I thought back on times when Patrick had shown James the proper way to remove stains from the coffeepot, the value of running the toothbrush cup through a dishwasher cycle, and moving furniture when vacuuming.

That’s when it hit me.

It’s all Patrick’s fault. He’s passed his neatness and thorough cleaning habits on to the next generation, solving the mystery once and for all.

Much to my deep chagrin, I finally realize it is nurture not nature that determines the clean ‘gene.’

*Note: this post was my entry in the 2016 Erma Bombeck Writer’s Competition. I didn’t win but I did qualify for the final round.
For more of my humor go HERE.

Molly Stevens

Molly Stevens is the award-winning author of the book Boomer on the Ledge, published by HumorOutcasts Press. The book is an adult picture book that explores the antics of an aging boomer. Molly believes humor is the emollient that soothes life’s rough patches and promotes these convictions in her blog: Shallow Reflections. She was the November 2017 Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop Humor Writer of the Month, and won third place in the 2017 National Society of Newspaper Columnists writing contest. She is a contributing author for These Summer Months: Stories from the Late Orphan Project, edited by Anne Born.

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4 Responses to Deep cleaning: is that even a thing?

  1. Bill Spencer
    April 18, 2017 at 6:23 am

    One place that could use some deep cleaning is Trump’s cabinet. Now, THERE are some serious stains. I hope they can be gotten out.

    • April 18, 2017 at 6:46 pm

      I’m afraid even Mr. Clean’s Magic Erasers will overwhelmed in this case, Bill.

  2. April 18, 2017 at 5:29 am

    I’ve heard of deep cleaning. Fortunately, no member of my family has ever been afflicted with the desire to deal with it.

    • April 18, 2017 at 6:45 pm

      Whew! Count your blessings, Mark!

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