WESTLAND, Mass. On the Monday morning after the New England Patriots won their fifth Super Bowl, loyal fan Chuck Kehoe was not quite ready to return to work.
“The game didn’t end until 10:30,” Kehoe explains. “That didn’t leave me much time. Like Coach Belichick says, ‘Do your job. My job–and I take it very seriously–was to celebrate in a stupid fashion until all hours of the night.”
So Kehoe and some friends who had watched the game at a rustic bar overlooking Dudley Pond here first shot off some fireworks, with no mishap other than a singed knuckle that matched one he had inflicted on himself two years ago after his team won Super Bowl XLIX. Then they headed to Route 27 Discount Liquors to buy a commemorative case of Narragansett Beer with a special pirated image on the case of injured tight end Rob Gronkowski, who did not suit up for the game. “This is gonna be worth a lot of money some day, like that stamp of the plane flying upside down,” said Kehoe’s friend Butch Dorton. “The trick will be getting the beer out of the cans without ruining the mint-condition cardboard packaging.”
“Everybody check your thumbs, somebody’s got one of mine.”
By the time the night’s festivities ended at 3:45 a.m., Kehoe knew he wouldn’t be at his best come Monday morning, so he called Applied Widgetronix where he works to say he was already showing symptoms of DaBiGa Syndrome, a malady that afflicts sports fans who stay up late watching professional althletic events at or beyond the wild-card playoff level.
“DaBiGa–or Day After Big Game–Syndrome has two strains, one for winners, and one for losers,” says Dr. Scott Munafo, a specialist in providing quotes to reporters with limited scientific backgrounds. “I don’t doubt that there were many Americans Monday morning who showed no ill effects from this terrible disease, except for a certain lightness in their wallets if they bet against the Patriots.”
“We wore hair nets at the last place I worked too. The burgers were great.”
Kristin Flemmi, VP-Human Resources at Applied Widgetronix, says the company recognizes DaBiGa Syndrome as a legitimate temporary disability for which employees can use a paid sick day, provided they produce a note from their doctor and a box score from one of the four major sports groups when they return. “Q1 is our busiest time of the year,” she says. “We will ship over 250,000 units between now and March 31st.” And what type of units are they, this reporter asks. “I don’t know,” she replies. “It’s something technical that our customers pay for.”
Under the Geneva Convention, New England fans who are taken into custody during a night of post-Super Bowl revelry are only required to answer three questions, usually spoken in a terse, defiant fashion to arresting law enforcement officers: “I’m drunk, I’m stupid, I’m a Pats fan.”
Sports? I always meant to try that someday.