Hey Old Lady! Want To Buy A Reverse Mortgage?

Facebook just hit me with an ad for coping with memory loss, probably because I recently turned 63. As far as my favorite social media site is concerned, I am now an Old Lady. Curious, I asked my FB pals who are also Seniors what kind of promotions have been turning up in their feeds.

They tell me that in the upcoming days, I should expect to see ads for the following:

Walk-in bathtubs
Senior dating sites
Viagra and Cialis
Medicare Supplemental Insurance
Reverse mortgages
Baldness cures
“Prevent Alzheimer’s Disease with Coconut Oil.” (If only it were that simple…)
Ads telling me what to do about my enlarged prostate
Make-up tips for “mature women”

And, worst of all?


I could continue to ignore ads like this. Or I could put them all together and see what happens! I’ll apply make-up using those tips, then take a photo and post it on a senior dating site, where I’ll meet a balding man with an enlarged prostate. We’ll fall in love, reverse our mortgages and squander the resulting windfall on a gigantic walk-in bathtub where, after I gobbles his Viagra (and I take off my Depends) we’ll have lots and lots of sex (which we’ll make sure we don’t forget by dousing ourselves with Coconut Oil.)

Then? We’ll die of happiness & get cremated.

Thanks, Facebook!

(Roz Warren  is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library , both of which you should buy immediately.)


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9 thoughts on “Hey Old Lady! Want To Buy A Reverse Mortgage?”

  1. Welcome to the Wonderful World of the Old Woman!!

    In this world, you will experience the following:

    1. You will tell people your age and they won’t blink an eye.
    2. You will tell people your age and they will act surprised because they thought you were younger. This is one of the good ones.
    3. Social workers will try to get you to make a living will.
    4. Your doctor will see dollar signs every time you walk into his office, which will probably be every few weeks.
    5. Conversations will inevitably turn to ailments.
    6. Your junk mail will contain advertisements for Medicare Advantage plans and cemetery plots.
    7. You will be eligible for senior discounts. This is another good one. The only problem is you have to admit you are over 65 every time you take advantage of one of these discounts.
    8. You will be annoyed whenever you come across something that does NOT have a senior discount and you have to pay full price.

    These are supposed to be your “golden years,” even if they sometimes feel more like tin. 😉

  2. Too funny but too true! My USPS mail is stock full of offers too. I love the ones that offer a free lunch to learn about cremation. These lunches seem to be at steak houses!

  3. OH, THIS WAS HILARIOUS! I guess there’s a downside to a senior savings on movie tickets and discount admissions; the assumption we all wear Depends and are busy with pre-burial plans. Sigh.

  4. In many ways, Roz, 64 is the new 80. Ageism is moving in the wrong direction, that being toward me. I’d call Facebook with a complaint if I could read the tiny numbers on my phone keypad. Instead, would you just add my strong protest to…whatever it is we were talking about? Funny piece! Thanks.

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