Mr. Wartley’s Interview | HumorOutcasts

Mr. Wartley’s Interview

April 2, 2017

Mr. Wartley’s Public Relations Photo

RECORDED ANNOUNCER: This is KRAP TV in Armhair Grove, Idaho. Stay tuned for The Meg Measle Show, coming up now.

(Four bars of crappy, upbeat music)

MEG MEASLE: Hello. My guest today is Mr. Rob Wartley, who is well known in Armhair Grove because he owns most of the town, including this station. Welcome, Mr. Wartley. I’m happy you can join us today.

WARTLEY: Thank you. I’m happy to be here.

MEG MEASLE: Mr. Wartley is not only the biggest landlord in the immediate area and richer than the earth, he has another distinction. Would you like to tell us about it, Mr. Wartley?

WARTLEY: I collect cat hair.


MEG MEASLE: Cat hair? As in hair that grows on cats?

WARTLEY: Yes. I’ve been collecting it for about thirty years now.

MEG MEASLE: Okay. … Why?

WARTLEY: I hate cats and they hate me, but my wife and kids love them. So we always have at least three of the little bloodsuckers in the house and sometimes two or three outside in the yard, too. I finally decided if I had to put up with them they should at least be useful for something besides barfing up hairballs and killing the local birds. So I started collecting their hair whenever they were shedding, and forming it into a ball. This is what it looks like.

(A picture of a giant, multi-colored round thing appears onscreen.)

That year we had the really cold winter and really hot summer was the best. I got enough hair that year that I could have knit a big sweater from it.

MEG MEASLE: Do you keep adding hair to the ball?

WARTLEY: Yes. By now it takes up about a quarter of my garage. I expect it will eventually reach the ceiling in there.

MEG MEASLE: What do you plan to do with a giant hairball?

WARTLEY: I’m going to have it shellacked so it will stay together and set it up in the middle of the dog run over in Robert J. Wartley Park. I want to give every dog in town a chance to pee on it. I’ll put it in my will that it has to stay there as long as the park exists, and if the park is torn down the town has to put it somewhere on Main Street.

MEG MEASLE: You will always be remembered in Armhair Grove, Mr. Wartley.

WARTLEY: That’s the main idea. The other idea is to take revenge on all those little four-footed mutants my wife and kids insisted on having around all those years.

MEG MEASLE: I understand …

WARTLEY: Would anyone ever get a dog for me? No!

MEG MEASLE: I’m sure they …

WARTLEY: A basset hound! One cute little basset hound, with droopy ears. If anyone in my family is watching this, I hope they are listening hard and feeling guilty as hell!


WARTLEY: “You can’t have a dog in this house! They smell bad!”

(Mr. Wartley continues to rant.)

MEG MEASLE: (Shouting over the ranting) We will now have a message from our sponsor!

(A commercial for a cruise line to the South Pacific is shown.)

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook - LinkedIn - Pinterest - YouTube

Share this Post:

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

6 Responses to Mr. Wartley’s Interview

  1. April 7, 2017 at 1:21 pm

    It’s important to have a dream or else you lose your grounting.

  2. April 6, 2017 at 5:41 pm

    Somebody No.1’d this on Google Plus!

    I love it when I know I have gotten through to a reader somewhere!

  3. Bill Y "The Legend" Ledden
    April 2, 2017 at 8:40 am

    It’s only a matter of time before we have an armchair of cat hair in Armhair Grove.

    • April 2, 2017 at 3:06 pm

      I’ll bet you can’t say “armchair of cat hair in Armhair Grove” really fast 5 times! 😀

  4. Bill Spencer
    April 2, 2017 at 7:19 am

    In my opinion, Mr. Wartley went too fur.

    • April 2, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      Yes. He deserves to be pelted for his behavior! 😀

User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle

New Release
Lite Whines and Laughter: Mild Rants and Musings on the Mundane
By Lee Gaitan and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle

New Release
It Comes From Within: Living with Bipolar Illness
By Michael Solomon. and Shorehouse Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle