Science Takes on Female Hormones, Hormones Win | HumorOutcasts

Science Takes on Female Hormones, Hormones Win

November 14, 2017

Scientific breakthroughs have made our lives richer and more fulfilling in a number of ways.  The problem with science, however, is scientists.

Alfred Kinsey: Beneath the goofy bow tie lay a snarling, lust-crazed libido.


Take Alfred Kinsey–please.  Beginning in the early 1900′s, he collected over 5 million gall wasps before he realized that . . . nobody gives a crap about gall wasps.  As soon as he turned his attention to human sexuality, he was rolling in grant money and under constant pressure to invite women back to his apartment to see his etchings.  He remained married to his wife, Clara Bracken McMillen, even though she threw out his wasp collection to make room for family photo albums.

“I’m sorry, the internet hasn’t been invented yet.”


Thankfully, once science got interested in sex it didn’t let up, and scientists created technological devices such as the internet, which allows us to use search terms such as “cheerleader AND zucchini” for endless hours of innocent fun.

“Gimme a Z!”

For those women who are still unhappy because they do not enjoy fulfilling sex lives, new breakthroughs on the horizon promise to make the 21st century the most satisfying ever, even better than the 19th when Sigmund Freud discovered how to talk dirty and get paid for it.  On-line research conducted earlier today provides answers to the problem of a flagging libido in women over the age of forty, and possible scientificky cures:

Freud:  “My wife made me smoke in the garage, and I’m feeling frustrated.”


Problem:  You’re distracted during sex.

If you’re like most middle-aged mothers, your mind is in a constant turmoil thinking about the kids’ social schedules, what shade of taupe to paint the den, and whether you put the sponge in the dishwasher.  Why?  Women’s brains are more active than men’s due to lower levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which increases the flow of sensory impulses to the genitals.  Here is an actual transcript of a married couple in Beaufort, Georgia, trying to have sex.

HUSBAND: Unh . . .

WIFE:  That’s it . . .

CHILD:  Momma, Sparklepuss has a tick . . .

WIFE:  Honey, Momma’s kinda busy right now . . .

CHILD:  It’s behind her ear–I can’t get it.


HUSBAND:  Unh . . .

WIFE:  Did you try putting some alcohol on it?

CHILD:  I did–I used some of Daddy’s after shave.

HUSBAND:  You didn’t take it from my Dale Earnhardt Commemorative Shaving Set, did you?

CHILD:  Yes . . .

HUSBAND:  Gosh darn it, Tiffany–did you use it all up?

CHILD:  No.  There was a little bit left, so I put the bottle in the microwave to see if it would blow the plastic squirt cap off.

WIFE:  Tiffany, you should never . . .



Problem:  You feel disconnected from your partner.

Many women grow apart from their spouses because their interests develop in different directions; for example, he becomes more interested in scratching his butt in her presence, she becomes less interested in watching him.  Viola Guthrie of Portland, Maine says science can help resolve this sort of difficulty.  “Science is always coming up with volatile toxic substances, some of which are found in common consumer products such as anti-freeze,” she says.

Regular and decaf.


“A cocktail made of two ounces of antifreeze and six ounces of Gatorade Thirst Quencher in an 8 ounce ‘grab-and-go’ size bottle is enough to kill a water buffalo,” she notes on visitor’s day at the Maine State Maximum Security Prison for Women, where she is serving a life sentence.

Problem:  You have low testosterone.

We tend to think of testosterone as a “male” hormone that makes men do stupid things such as tearing down goalposts and carrying them into contact with overhead electrical wires after their favorite football team wins a wild-card playoff game.  Surprisingly, testosterone–blended delicately with estrogen and dark chocolate–helps fuel a woman’s sex drive after menopause.  A blood test can determine if you suffer from a testosterone deficiency, and if so what the proper dosage would be to give you stronger, more powerful orgasms without going completely nuts and wiping out a biker bar with a broken beer bottle.

Available in Kindle format on as part of the collection “The Difference Between Men and Women.”

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of two novels (most recently "Making Partner"), a baseball book about the Red Sox and the Yankees ("The Year of the Gerbil"), ten published plays and 45 books of humor available in print and Kindle formats on My latest book "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" was released by HumorOutcasts Press last year. My humor has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor, The Boston Globe and Barron's, and I am working on a biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player for Oxford University Press .

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