The Boy Who Didn’t Like Tom Hanks | HumorOutcasts

The Boy Who Didn’t Like Tom Hanks

September 24, 2017
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I had never seen my friend Farbman so upset.

He was so disturbed he didn’t even touch his second desert at lunch.

“It’s my son Bruce,” he said. “In all my days, I never thought something like this could ever happen!”

“What is it, Farbman?” I asked with alarm. “Is it drugs? Is he in legal trouble? Has he chosen Pepsi over Coke?”

“If only it were one of those things,” Farbman wailed.  “No, my son Bruce told me … he told me …   he doesn’t like Tom Hanks!”

Doesn’t like Tom Hanks?

This was a shock. Tom Hanks is America’s most likeable celebrity. He’s charming, funny, and elf-effacing.  The nicest guy in Hollywood, and a welcome presence on screens both large and small.

“How did this come about, Farbman?”

“Last Saturday night, I was watching ‘Cast Away’ for the 20th time and Bruce came into the den.

“‘Bruce,’ I said, ‘they’re just about to introduce Wilson the Soccer Ball. Come sit down and we’ll watch together.’”

“’I’d rather not, Dad,’ he told me. ‘I don’t like Tom Hanks.’”

“‘What are you saying, Bruce?’ I shouted!”

I’ve never liked Tom Hanks,’ he said.”

Farbman told me when his son said this to him he broke down sobbing.

“Try to understand, Farbman,” I said.  “He has no choice in the matter.  He was born not liking Tom Hanks.”

“How could this happen to me?  I who have seen ‘Forrest Gump’ more times than Sally Field has popped Bonivas!”

“Farbman, this isn’t about you!  People’s attitudes are changing. It’s no longer unacceptable to be a Tom Hanks disliker.”

“What should I do?”

“Just tell Bruce you love him and support him no matter what.”

“You’re right, Perry. I’m glad we had this little chat.  I feel much better.”

Just then I got a phone call from my son Brandon, who wanted to know if I’d like to watch a movie that night.

“How about something with Tom Hanks?” I asked.

“Great, Dad! Who doesn’t like Tom Hanks?”

“Why don’t we watch ‘Sully’?”

“I’d rather not, Dad.”

“Why?”

“I don’t like Sully Sullenberger.”

Perry Block

I am one bummed-out Baby Boomer desperately attempting to turn back the clock through parody, satire, and anything else you want. In my time I have been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, and a king. I would have also been a pawn but I didn’t have the SATs for it, and my career as a poet was cut short when I recited “The Man from Nantucket” at a White House Dinner. I look forward to developing a relationship with the readers of Humor Outcasts, unhealthy as it probably will be.

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4 Responses to The Boy Who Didn’t Like Tom Hanks

  1. September 25, 2017 at 5:58 pm

    Who couldn’t love the man who said, “There’s no crying in baseball”?

    • September 25, 2017 at 11:04 pm

      And in Philadelphia we’re using to crying about baseball!

  2. September 25, 2017 at 7:35 am

    I’m with Bruce on this one. Have never understood Hanks’ appeal, except that early in his career he seemed to be channeling Bill Murray, who I find much funnier. Which recalls this anecdote that dates me terribly: Jack E. Leonard was asked what he thought about up-and-coming comedian Don Rickles and replied “He’s got some great material–mine!”

    • September 25, 2017 at 2:04 pm

      Dates you? Guess you never saw Jack E. Leonard and Allen Ginsberg together on The Dick Cavett Show? You’ll never see two Jewish men of similar age of more dissimilar natures inhabit the same time and space.

      To me, Bill Murray is way different than Tom Hanks aside from a few minor tonal similarities, except for one thing. I think people who don’t like either of them are nuts!



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