It’s been a full year since we ran our competition for the Worst Rhyme in all of Rock and Roll history. Amazingly, we somehow neglected Snap!’s ‘90s hit, “Rhythm is a Dancer”, which includes this extraordinary couplet:
I’m serious as cancer
When I say rhythm is a dancer
We deeply regret the error. This is definitely incredibly horrible. We apologize especially to Snap! for the oversight.
Next we turn to this year’s competition.
For months we’d been telling ourselves, “You know, that Worst Rhyme competition was really popular. Can’t you come up with another arbitrary category that you can use to make fun of some more horrible songs?”
For seven weeks we wept and fasted and prayed. And then, suddenly, the heavens opened. A blinding light shone. A divine voice spoke to us. “What about horrible love songs?”
“God!!!” we exclaimed. “Great idea. Thanks for the tip.”
Once more, God spoke. “Only you must include, ‘Sex on Fire’ by Kings of Leon. For if you do not include, “Sex on Fire,” by Kings of Leon, your competition will suffer from horrible blight, and nobody will read it.”
“We promise,” we assured.
And so it came to be that we would have a new competition.
The Worst Love Songs in Rock and Roll History
We begin as God willed, with Kings of Leon’s lilting, “Sex on Fire.”
This song actually features the highly disturbing lyric, “Your sex is on fire.“ What the hell! Okay let’s say your friend’s penis is on fire. What would you do?
1) Start singing about it?
2) Get some water.
Of course, many songwriters have sought to understand the mysterious nature of love. The Everly Brothers said love was like a stove. Roxy Music called it a drug. And Pat Benatar likened it to a battlefield. But perhaps nobody has captured the essence of love as poignantly as Taylor Henderson in, “Borrow My Heart,” when he sings, “Love is a feeling that you feel.” The point is, love is not just any old feeling. It’s one that you feel.
To be fair, when it comes to love, many songwriters struggle with their words. Just consider David Guetta in, “Sexy Bitch.”
I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl
Without being disrespectful
Damn you’se a sexy bitch.
Umm…I’m not sure you found the words? You tried though. That’s the important thing.
Selena Gomez did find the right words. I’m serious as cancer when I say that this is an actual lyric from her love song, “Love You Like a Love Song.”:
I love you like a love song
How can I say this without being disrespectful? Selena, songs are not capable of love. Remember Taylor Henderson’s definition: Love is a feeling that you feel.
Throughout history, poets have reached for countless metaphors to describe the female form. Yet few have matched T. Rex in, “Get It On,” which includes this:
You’re built like a car.
You’ve got a hubcap diamond star halo.
You’re built like a car, oh yeah!
I’m not sure I would try that as my first pick-up line?
2 Chainz waxed poetic about feminine beauty as well, in his, “Birthday Song,” which includes the line, “She got a big booty so I call her, ‘Big Booty’.” That’s a pretty clever nickname you came up with. Whatever made you think of it?
Next we turn to the act of love itself, which has inspired much powerful songwriting, and also, “Heaven’s on Fire” by KISS.
I got a fever ragin’ in my heart
You make me shiver and shake
Baby don’t stop
Take it to the top
Eat it like a piece of cake.
Eat at it like a piece of cake??? Wouldn’t that be kind of…painful? I realize that, as John Cougar Mellencamp sang, “sometimes love don’t feel it should,” but…can’t you talk dirty any better than that, KISS people?
Of course, who can forget these powerful lines from “I’d Do Anything For Love,” by Meatloaf.
I would do anything for love
Anything you’ve been dreaming of, but I just won’t do that
No I won’t do that
What the hell won’t he do? Gotta be anal. What else could it be?
Is anyone else confused by this couplet in Rod Stewart’s, “Tonight’s the Night”?
Don’t say a word my virgin child
Just let your inhibitions run wild
Virgin child: Hang on. If I let my inhibitions run wild, then you want me to be really inhibited. Right?
Rod: No no, I mean, be really uninhibited.
Virgin child: But…that’s the opposite of what you just said. Your usage is all wrong. I’m not sure I can do this now.
Rod: But…tonight’s the night! It’s gonna be alright!
Virgin child: Can you just take me home?
Our nostaglic walk through Love Song Hell ends of course with Steve Miller, who’s name is practically synonymous with horrible lyrics:
Lovey dovey, lovey dovey, lovey dovey all the time
Ooh wee baby, I sure show you good time
Can you imagine if people really spoke to each other like this? Here’s a conversation between me and Mrs. Rotting Post (she has a mole on her shoulder, so I call her, “Mole On Your Shoulder”).
Me: I got a fever ragin’ in my heart.
Mrs. Rotting Post: I’m really happy for you. Can you take out the garbage?
Me: I will do anything for love. But I won’t do that.
Mrs. Rotting Post: What the hell is wrong with you?
Me: Did I ever tell you I love you like a love song?
Mrs. Rotting Post: I cannot believe I married this idiot.
Me: You’re built like a car, oh yeah.
Mrs. Rotting Post: Fuck you.
So what is the worst love song of all time? What is that one special song that really is worth hating? Do share!
Gotta go. My sex is on fire.