February 14, 2017, Washington—President Donald J. Trump signed an executive order today, repealing the Constitution and replacing it with the text of his book, The Art of the Deal.
“I never read that Constitution, but I have the best lawyers,” the president said while showing off his penmanship on the order. “They gave me the Cliffs Notes version. That thing was a DISASTER written by Obama and Hillary Clinton, and other liberals who have no idea how to run this country. It’s all part of a liberal conspiracy, like when Obama and Clinton founded ISIS and China made up that hoax about global warming. Something had to be done.”
Trump went on to explain why he believes The Art of the Deal will serve as a better guide for shaping our country’s laws. “My people tell me my book doesn’t waste time on nonsense like pretending all men are created equal—obviously, I have much bigger hands than that loser Marco Rubio. My book will serve to make our country better by telling everyone how to fix the economy. That’s right, with The Art of the Deal in place of the Constitution, all you lazy people on welfare will be forced to take one of the dozens of jobs being offered to you.”
When asked how The Art of the Deal details a plan to fix the economy, the president explained that it was written about his own experiences in business. “In my book, which is the only book worthy of gracing the shelves here at the White House, I explain how I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, not taking a dime from anyone, to become the huuuuuuuge success I am today. First, I used a tiny loan of a few millions dollars from my dad to build an empire. Then I shook hands with rich people and tricked a few morons into using their money to pay for my success.”
Trump added he’s included a special bonus in America’s new guiding principles. “I added some tips from one of my other amazing, bestselling books, How to Get Rich. These are common sense things that all Americans can do. For example, play golf—you’ll meet tons of investors at the country club. Also, screw your enemies back—unless they’re in the Russian government and have pictures of you taking a golden shower. Then learn the subtle art of letting go. Then, be sure to write a series of books about how great you are, and also host a reality TV show to cement your fortune.”
The president added he would keep a few brief parts of the Constitution. “I decided to leave add the Second Amendment to my new text for lawmakers. I haven’t read it, but my friends at the NRA say it’s important to secure their endorsement for my run in 2020. Also, anyone who reads The Art of the Deal and gets rich like me is going to need to keep a gun in their swanky mansion.”
A reporter asked if it was true Trump plans for social security to be reduced under his new replacement for the Constitution.
“Of course,” said the president. “Who needs social security when everyone is going to be almost as rich and fabulous as me?”