What Women Want | HumorOutcasts

What Women Want

December 7, 2017

Welcome, gentlemen.

Welcome to the first annual What Women Want Conference.

As you’ve all sworn on your conference pre-check forms, you are the group of men who believe it’s fine and dandy to touch a woman’s breasts in a variety of circumstances – when you first meet her, when a photo is taken, or at work in your private office.

Most of all, you are perplexed as to why women don’t enjoy this “playful” behaviour as much as you do. You enjoy it so much that you somehow forget all the times you’ve done it in the past, which is weird.

You are the men who know What Women Want.

Today’s seminar will take a closer look at What Women Want with a fun PowerPoint presentation.

PowerPoint. Because men have all the power. That’s the point!

The scenario: You are a celebrity who is use to getting everything he wants. You are a man, who is also use to getting everything he wants. You are about to take a photo with one of your adoring fans.

Let’s begin.

Cue music: The first thing you will notice is that we are not playing stripper music. This signals to you that when you meet a woman for the first time, she doesn’t want to give you a table dance or hear about your masturbatory habits.

Slide 1: You are having your photo taken with a women you just met. You shake hands. Pretty simple, or so it seems.

Slide 2: Let’s focus in on the woman’s face. We are looking for signs that she is dying for you to grab her breast as the photo is snapped. What can we see? Hmmm. No obvious clues. She’s smiling, but that could easily be a “nice to meet you” smile. Is there a glint, or a glimmer in her eye? Check for glint and glimmer. Also for a sparkle, or a twinkle. It could be a shimmer, or a wink. Something that tells you, and only you, her day is drab until you swaddle her mams. Looks like it’s just the camera lights reflecting off her cornea. Oh well. Let’s keep searching.

Slide 3: Zoom in to the handshake. Here we are looking for a secret note the woman might pass to you, saying something like, “It would be coolio if, just as the photo were snapped, you grabbed my breast. Don’t worry, I won’t snap at you.” No note. Maybe she asks for her breasts to be fondled so often that she has “Please grope my breast” tattooed on the palm of her hand. Nope. The palms are only nervous and sweaty.

Slide 4: Don’t forget the clothes. Clothes make the man. They also make the woman – a harlot? Depends on the signal she is sending. This woman falls somewhere between Maria from The Sound of Music and Miley Cyrus from her Wrecking Ball video. She’s sending mixed signals. Or, maybe, there’s no signal. She’s wearing what she felt like wearing that day, just like you did.

Slide 5: The photo is about to be snapped. The excitement builds. Lights are flashing. Reflecting off umbrellas. The photographer shouts out suggestions. None of those suggestions include, “Hey dude, make her smile. Grab her breast.” Instead, he takes a picture of the two of you sitting beside each other, like adults.

Slide 6: The shoot is over and everyone goes home.

“Over? But. But. I didn’t grab her breast. I enjoy grabbing breasts, and she wanted me to.”

Exam time. Grab your pens. No, not your… Your PENS. Poor babies. You just imagined the “i”.

Please write a one word essay, answering the following question: Do Women Really Want Me to Grab Their Breast?

Good luck, men!


I am a graphic designer, humour writer, musician and piano teacher. And that's only during the day. At night I fight crime and hang out with my wonderful family.

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One Response to What Women Want

  1. December 8, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    And the answer to that one is, “No, unless you want to spend the rest of your life as a soprano.”

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