A Conversation With My Mom | HumorOutcasts

A Conversation With My Mom

October 13, 2018
By

Today I am grateful for a conversation with my mom.  I called her the other day and got the usual litany of what she needs done for her.  It’s like she sits in that decrepit recliner plotting the course of her life, just waiting for someone to come along and make it all happen.  Oh wait.  It’s not “like” she does that.  She DOES that.

 

To her credit she can no longer write a list because if she does she can’t read it anyway.  I totally rely on lists.  My lists have lists.  When I’m doing a chore list I sometimes put down something I’ve already done just so I can scratch it off and feel pompous.  She needed stuff from the grocery store and wrote things down.  It was like a game of “Catch Phrase” to try and figure out what everything was.  We got there before the buzzer rang so that’s good.

 

The other day I called with the usual, “Good Morning, Mommie Dearest.”

 

Mom:  Who is this?  (Shouting over the TV)

Me:  It’s Mary, mom.  Please turn the TV down.

Mom:  You sound just like Judy.

Me:  You have to turn the TV down.

Mom:  I know! Wait! (Fumbling around)

Me:  Maybe just turn it off for a minute.

Mom: I’m trying to turn the stupid thing down. (Drops remote)  Oh shit!

Me: What happened?

Mom:  I dropped the damned thing.

Me:  Can you reach it?

Mom:  Hang on.  (Lots of grunting along with the blasting TV then. . .) The batteries fell out.  Hang on.  (Phone slams to the table)

Me:  Mom?  Mom?  Mom, pick up the phone.  (I hear her grumbling)

Mom: I don’t think I got those batteries in right.  Go ahead, I can hear you.  (She is screaming, so I have to scream, too, to be heard over the blaring TV.)

Me:  We’re planning on coming over around one.  Do you need anything?

Mom:  Batteries for the stupid remote!

Me:  Okay.  Anything else? (The neighbors here probably wonder why I’m yelling at them.)

Mom:  When you get here I need you to go through my recipe box and find my bean salad recipe.  (FYI-The salad was already made, so I’m not sure why she needed this now since I looked one up on line and gave it to her two days ago, she made it and it was “delicious” except the cut celery I bought for her was too big and “tough”.)

Me:  Okay, I’ll do that when we get there.  Anything else?

Mom:  Something to stick stuff to the wall.  I have tape but it’s old and it isn’t working.

Me:  Okay.  What are you trying to stick to the wall?

Mom: (Incredulous) Well I bought all of those cadavers at the dollar store and I don’t have any way to hang them!!!

Me:  Okay.  Cadaver hangers.  Got it.  See you later.

 

And people wonder how I find stuff to write about.  Seriously?  There isn’t enough time to write about all of it so I need to pick and choose, but a conversation with my mom is right up there at the top!

 

Mary Mooney

From cranking hair in my Midwestern town of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, to eastern Pennsylvania, to three years writing for large hotels in Jakarta, Indonesia, humor has been my constant.

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Google Plus

Share this Post:

3 Responses to A Conversation With My Mom

  1. October 14, 2018 at 8:24 pm

    Hm. Should we investigate the cadavers. Were they the neighbors? So funny and I so relate!

  2. Jim Nolan
    October 13, 2018 at 4:42 pm

    Great piece, Mary! I hope the tape works well.

    • October 14, 2018 at 8:57 am

      Thanks, Jim. Me, too. lol



User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle


New Release
The Astounding Misadventures of Rory Collins
By Brian Kiley and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle



New Release
Rats, Mice, And Other Things You Can't Take to The Bank: An Inspirational Collection of Essays from Humorous to Simply Human
By Leslie Handler. and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle



Archives