As Rate Hikes Loom Investors Flock to Gary “U.S.” Bonds | HumorOutcasts

As Rate Hikes Loom Investors Flock to Gary “U.S.” Bonds

October 17, 2018

NEW YORK.  Concerns about the strength of the U.S. economy and possible interest rate hikes caused a sell-off in stock markets around the world yesterday as investors flocked to safety and poured money into records by singer Gary “U.S.” Bonds.

Powell:  “We look at three fundamental indicators: ‘New Orleans,’ ‘Quarter to Three’ and ‘This Little Girl.’”


“Over the long term, records by Mr. Bonds have held their value against a basket of international currencies including the Euro, the Chinese yuan and the Freedonian gldorsk,” said Jerome Powell, chairman of the Federal Reserve.  “A mint condition copy of ‘New Orleans’ purchased for $1 in 1960 is now worth $12, while for some reason a dollar is still worth only a dollar.”

Gary U.S. Bonds: Still your best investment


Bonds, formerly Gary (U.S.) Bonds, is an American rhythm ‘n blues and rock ‘n roll singer.  He had the parentheses removed from his name in the 1980s in a painful punctuation surgery that left him unable to do the Twist.  Long-term U.S. debt securities were named after him in 1961 by John F. Kennedy after a swinging White House party at which the president ended up in bed with Angie Dickinson, Marilyn Monroe and poet Robert Frost.

The Federal Reserve announced that it will provide liquidity in the event of a stock market crash by purchasing collectible 45 rpm records by Bonds rather than direct obligations of the federal government.  “It is time that the United States returned to fundamentals,” said Ma Delun, a deputy governor of the People’s Bank of China.  “I don’t care about price or yield on fixed-income securities–I want a good beat you can dance to.”

Clyde McPhatter


The Federal Reserve has turned to rhythm ‘n blues to address monetary dislocations in the past, tapping Clyde McPhatter’s  mega-hit “Money Honey”in 1953.   “Mamie and I very much appreciated the gift of rhythm that you have given us,” President Eisenhower said in a handwritten thank you note to McPhatter.  “Our Victrola only plays 33 1/3 records, however, so I’m not sure we were poppin’ that thang exactly as you intended.”

Available in Kindle format on as part of the collection “Our Friends, the Fed.”

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of The Year of the Gerbil, a history of the 1978 Red Sox-Yankees pennant race, and 50 books of humor including "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" by HumorOutcasts Press. My work has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor and The Boston Globe among print outlets. "Rabbit's Blues," my biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player, will be published by Oxford University Press in September.

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3 Responses to As Rate Hikes Loom Investors Flock to Gary “U.S.” Bonds

  1. October 17, 2018 at 11:28 am

    This is fucking brilliant. I am sharing the hell out of it.

  2. Jim Nolan
    October 17, 2018 at 10:33 am

    This cracked me up.

  3. October 17, 2018 at 8:24 am

    I think this is a smart move. I might trust Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes more, but Gary will work.

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