Don’t Book On It | HumorOutcasts

Don’t Book On It

September 10, 2018

The Woodward book’s a total Joke; I’m going to write my own.
I’ll write it in between the tweets, while tapping on my phone.
I’m going to write a real book; spill all the beans on Mueller.
Using all the best words, ‘natch — with pictures you can color.

I’ve written twenty other books; was never sued for libel.
I’ve heard it said my sales are second only to the Bible.
I’ll throw a book launch party, with champagne and glitz and glitter.
A selling point will be that I’m the Hemingway of Twitter.

I’ll tell the truth about the goings-on within my White House.
A smooth machine, run only by the best there are — despite doubts
About my mental fitness and my temper (called “volcanic”);
Dismissing all reports regarding deck chairs and Titanic.

All sources will be verified, with quotes for attribution.
I’ll recommend some re-writes to the U.S. Constitution.
A forward by Sean Hannity, a blurb from Ingraham –
Reviews filled with superlatives about how great I am.

This book will prove to everyone: for office, I am qualified.
My critics, once they read it, will most certainly be mollified.
Upon completion, no one will still think of me as villainous.
It will become required reading; part of every syllabus.

And while I’ll surely use this book to get in several well-earned licks,
My expertise goes far beyond just real estate and politics.
I know more than most anyone about a lot of things, of course:
Avoiding income taxes, and how pre-nups help with a divorce.

I’m sure I’ll win most every prize that’s handed out for literature:
A Pulitzer, Man Booker – and the Nobel’s one I’ll win for sure.
Then I’ll record the audio, since I don’t ever slur my diction.
Best of all — nobody else will know it’s all a work of fiction.

John Branning

Read more of John Branning's posts at, with his political verse now found at

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