NOS GLEBNZ, Freedonia. While the world’s media is focused on this morning’s wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry to American Meghan Markle, there are of course numerous similar ceremonies taking place around the globe that will draw interest only from family, friends and invitees. For most people that’s not a problem, but it’s no consolation for Glitzika “Glitzi” Novrklwz, who is scheduled to walk down the aisle at approximately the same time as her royal counterparts. “She has all the luck,” Novrklwz says of Markle. “First ‘Deal or No Deal‘ with Howie Mandel, now she hogs attention on my day of nuptials.”
Hoping to catch the bouquet.
The winsome 28-year-old is set to tie the knot in a royal wedding of her own, to Crown Prince Alkaaknow “Sunny” Plzeiwo, heir to the ancient throne of Freedonia, who has topped his country’s list of “Most Eligible Bachelors” since his sex was determined shortly after his birth. “Glitzi, she won my liver,” he says, referring to the body organ that Freedonians consider to be the seat of human emotions rather than the heart. “When I saw her on the dance floor at the Ancient and Honorable Order of the Yak Hall, it took my bile away.”
“FINALLY, we are allowed to fornicate!”
Freedonia’s second-world status as a “country cousin” among nations rankles its people, who consider themselves a beacon of hope and enlightenment compared to polities such as Upper Volta and Monaco. “Monaco–pah!” the Crown Prince says with disgust. “What have they ever produced besides gambling and postage stamps. They are a backwater on a par with Joseph Biden’s Delaware.”
State-approved bartenders take all major credit cards at the happy couple’s cash bar!
And so the bride, a commoner, has been deputized–or unleashed–to vent spleen for the royal family by proxy. “Where is attention for me?” she asks this reporter when she sees U.S. press credentials. “Who wants to be [expletive] Duchess of Sussex anyway?”
“And the winner is . . .”
Wedding gifts have been slow to trickle in from other non-aligned nations, although the royal couple registered at Restoration Hardware, Home Depot and–in the hope of beefing up Freedonia’s lagging defense capabilities–Lockheed Martin, an airplane manufacturer. “I could really go for one of their Trident II missiles,” says Defense Minister Krkli Nomarshiil. “In case Upper Volta starts feeling frisky.”
One source of bounty for the couple just getting started as newlywed-monarchs has been locally-manufactured donations from its U.S. “Sister City,” Sedville, Missouri. “We have received a Rival Crock Pot, a year’s subscription to ‘Full Cry’–the world’s only tree hound hunting magazine–and this pink, fuzzy stuff,” says the Crown Prince, pointing to a roll of fiberglass ceiling insulation. “It has the texture of cotton candy, but is not as sweet.”