Nothing At All

Chinese character meaning “nothing”

A new longitudinal study that examined nothingness, conducted over a 100-year period, has concluded nothing at all.

Said the scientists:

“This is a great success for the scientific community. Nay, for humanity itself. At first, we were afraid we would find something. How on earth would we fit something into our theories of nothing? However, tenacity and brilliant examination, combined with complicated math, elegant formulas, and other people’s money, led us to find nothing at all. We hope this will be shared 3 trillion times on Facebook, Twitter and Tinder. We expect that even people looking for sex in a bar will say, “Before you take your pants off, did you hear about that nothing study?”

The more we stared at the data, the less we saw, until it became nothing at all. We speculate there’s even more nothing at all that we haven’t found yet.”

The head scientists put it succinctly: “The problem with studies is that they always find something. We’re proud of the fact that we found nothing at all. Now people know what they are dealing with…or not dealing with, ha ha.” He was the only scientist with a sense of humour.

A breakaway group of rogue scientists published a separate paper that expressed the findings differently. Instead of nothing at all, this group characterized the findings as “zippo” and “zilch”. It’s unclear if “zilch” actually means nothing or just the absence of something. One scientist, who went with “nada”, was excommunicated and will never work again.

They all celebrated by playing Billy Preston’s Nothing from Nothing. Two scientists who were dating while “data-ing” sang in unison the line “you gotta have somethin’ if you wanna be with me.” They left the study and achieved nothing more.

Some question the funding of the study. Money was provided by a group of very spoiled rich people who do nothing at all and, therefore, have a vested interest in finding nothing at all.

The next study will delve into how nothing at all impacts our daily lives.

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