Olympic sized thoughts | HumorOutcasts

Olympic sized thoughts

February 22, 2018
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(These aren’t really Olympic sized thoughts–just small thoughts on the Olympics.)

 

It was nice that benevolent dictator Kim Jong-un let his cheerleaders out of the country to attend the Olympics, along with his sister. Isn’t he a good guy? Hopefully they had a chance to grab a nice meal–or any meal–before heading back up to the Dark Country. (Literally dark, take a look at a nighttime satellite view.)

Cheer … or die.

Probably the only downhill sport I’d have a chance of making it through would be sledding, otherwise known as luge or skeleton. That’s because I’m incapable of standing on any moving object other than my own feet, and sometimes the feet part isn’t easy.

But while I used to sled a lot, that was at, oh, ten miles per hour or so. Anyone who goes face first at seventy miles per hour … well, there’s a reason why it’s called skeleton. Because “mangled body” seemed a little too obvious.

There is another kind of sledding in the Olympics, but apparently competitors are required to be named “Bob”. There’s only so much I’ll do for my sport.

Speaking of sports in which I’d never made it to the end of the course, I’ve noticed that downhill skiiers seem to be flying as much as they’re skiing. Let’s make it more interesting and fit them with small wings, just to see what happens.

I don’t know this guy, but I’m very happy for his survival.

 

There’s a skiing event that consists entirely of skiing down bumps. I can’t stand to watch it: It kills my knees.

“Salchow” is pronounced “sow cow” … and as such, just doesn’t seem like a figure skating move.

That group snowboarding competition … did some Olympic official happen to catch a NASCAR race and think, “That’s what the winter Games needs: massive pileups!”

Figure skating has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid. But I’ll be the first to admit that back then I was all about the ladies and the short skirts. Now that I’m older I’m still fascinated, because how the heck do they even–? I mean, try just standing on ice skates. Their routines are, according to the laws of physics, as impossible as me making it to the other end of the rink.

I never tried pairs figure skating because I don’t like getting stitches.

It’s a magic trick–try to disconnect the rings! Nice try.

I just watched a pair figure skate to music from Star Wars, and it made me realize Jedi would be fantastic athletes. Luke skiing, Anakin throwing Padme through about fifty spins on the ice, Vader as a bad boy snowboarder … Yoda as a coach. Emperor Palpatine ruling the evil land just to the north. R2D2 as a judge. I’ve just created a whole new subgenre of fanfiction.

Curling. It’s indecipherable, and a joy to make fun of. Unless you seriously watch it for about an hour, then it becomes addictive to 80% of the viewers. What dark magic is that? It’s shuffleboard on ice. And I’m watching it.

Every time I watch ski jumping, all I can think of it the Wide World Of Sport’s “agony of defeat”. This removes much of the fun for me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AZH4FeGsc

In the end I’m not a sport fan so much as an events fan: Every two years I watch sports that I don’t even think about the rest of the time. It’s the same reason why I like to watch the Indy 500 even though I have no interest in racing, and I used to watch the Superbowl even though I haven’t seen a non-Superbowl football game in twenty years. I’ve even caught a World Series game, or two.

But not basketball. For me, basketball is the rap of sports: to be shunned.

Decatha–what?

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of three romantic comedies: Radio Red, Storm Chaser, and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, and Hoosier Hysterical. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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4 Responses to Olympic sized thoughts

  1. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    February 25, 2018 at 5:10 am

    Your subgenre of fanfiction is just waiting to take off.

  2. February 23, 2018 at 12:08 pm

    I feel like you have been sitting in my living room listening to every word my husband and I have been saying during the Olympics! Especially, the dark magic of curling…like how could I be yelling ‘don’t change the channel! We have to see what happens!” Hilarious, Mark!

    • February 24, 2018 at 12:25 am

      Thanks! The latest was free-form figure skating: My wife was ready to go to bed at 10:30 last night, and we ended up watching the whole competition until midnight. And she hates sports.



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