Resolved: No New Year’s Resolutions | HumorOutcasts

Resolved: No New Year’s Resolutions

December 30, 2018

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, mostly because failing is a terrible way to start a new year.

If you’re going to make a major life change, it’s usually best to do it gradually. A New Year’s Resolution is like someone who never exercised deciding to run a marathon–tomorrow. Get healthy? Absolutely. Go cold turkey on cigarettes and snack food on January 2nd? Well, that’s why violent incidents go up on January 3rd.

Having said that, for some people stopping all at once is the only way to accomplish something, and I’m all for accomplishing something. That being the case, if you want to make a resolution and be serious about it, more power to you. Just remember, the proper response to nicotine withdrawal is not second degree murder. Not even third degree.

Well, maybe third.

For me, the best time of the year to make life changes is spring. Why? Because in spring, I care about life. In January, all I care about is turning the oven on low, wrapping myself in a blanket, and climbing inside. It’s the only place I can get warm. I really don’t care what’s happening elsewhere, and I wouldn’t go out at all if I didn’t need to make money to pay the gas bill. If I did make a New Year’s Resolution, it would be to fill up the Ford’s fuel tank and just Escape south until I drive into salt water.

Okay, I’ve got the dog, the wife, and my best Bermuda shorts: Gulf of Mexico, here we come!

But spring … I could do spring. Things are looking up. Green stuff starts appearing. There’s sun, except during basketball playoffs, when for some reason there’s always ice.

What’s up with that? Why is Hoosier Hysteria always accompanied by “Midwest ice storm–film at eleven”?

Sure, sometimes I go out into an April sleet storm, but generally things are looking up. Sometimes the snowpile at the end of the Wal-Mart parking lot even melts away by Independence Day. I’ll walk out the door on March 21st and say, “Now I want to lose weight and give up Mountain Dew! I’ll start tomorrow.”

I gave up drinking after my 21st birthday party, which they tell me was a blast. I never did smoke; but with my addictive personality, if I started they’d have to bury me with both hands clutching a pack of … I don’t know, what brands of cigarettes are they still selling these days? I can’t imagine walking a mile for a Camel.

Maybe that’s the thing about the New Year: I never got addicted to making resolutions. But hey–there’s time for me yet.

“What’s this crap?”

Happy New Year!

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of three romantic comedies: Radio Red, Storm Chaser, and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, and Hoosier Hysterical. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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3 Responses to Resolved: No New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    January 6, 2019 at 2:06 pm

    My resolution is the same as it was last year: 1920 × 1200.

  2. Jim Nolan
    December 31, 2018 at 10:22 am

    Great piece, Mark. I love the line about driving south until you hit salt water. And now I don’t feel so bad about not having any resolutions. Okay, I have one: read more books.

    • December 31, 2018 at 11:42 pm

      Oh, that’s a great resolution! In 2018 I read the Game of Thrones books, which made me wish I was going by word count instead of book count.

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