A Walk on the Wild Side With an Eco-Hockey Enforcer

A Boston Bruins defenseman was named an “Eco-Warrior” by National Geographic magazine for his environmental sensitivity.

                                                                    The Boston Herald


“You gonna pick up that non-biodegradable cup, or am I gonna have to pound the crap outta you?”

 

One of the advantages of playing hockey–The Coolest Game on Earth–is it keeps you in fighting shape in case you see some mook crumple up a McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish wrapper and toss it in the street.  I mean, I don’t go looking for trouble, but hey–if you’re gonna throw your cigarette butt in the gutter like it’s too small to make a difference to the earth’s future, like you’re too busy to give a damn, well, I’m not gonna back down.


“When I asked the guy in the Escalade to switch to a hyrbrid, he sucker-punched me.”

 

The first thing you do is you pull the guy’s sweater over his head–that way he can’t fight back.  Then, you pummel him until he agrees to set up recycling center in his garage, or ride his bike to work at least one day a week.  If he complains that the B.O. will keep him from advancing professionally, then you lower the boom on the guy:  “Who gives a flying f**k at a rolling donut whether you make Assistant Vice President–we’re trying to save the planet here!”


“I don’t care if you’re a penguin–this is Boston, not the South Pole!”

 

Another thing that really frosts my ass is chicks wearing furs.  Everybody says, “Oh don’t go after them, they’re a ‘skill player’”–whatever that means.  Hey–you play the game, you’re gonna get hit.  Somebody needs to be the enforcer, so if you walk into a sports bar after a game wearing a chinchilla collar, I’m gonna check you–hard–into the ladies room.  Don’t say you ain’t been warned.

Some people say that non-violence is the way to change the world, but I don’t buy it, not for a minute.  Look at the buffalo, and the carrier pigeon.  The country used to be overrun with ‘em, now they’re extinct, whereas the alligator is thriving.  You know why?  Whenever some fruitcake in pink plaid pants steps into a water hazard on his Florida residential golf community–CHOMP–he loses a leg.  Then he’s not good for nothing except shuffleboard, which compared to golf has virtually no adverse environmental impacts.


“You should see what the guy who opted for plastic over paper looks like.”

 

No, I don’t apologize for taking a hard line against environmental scofflaws.  I may spend a lot of time in the penalty box, but it’s a small price to pay.  I’m gonna keep fighting until every Zamboni machine in the country–from pee-wee hockey to the NHL–is a hybrid.

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