About That Thing on Your Face . . . | HumorOutcasts

About That Thing on Your Face . . .

January 17, 2019

Welcome to the Office of Drs. Irving Milstein and Jeannette DuFresne Dermatologists Professional Limited Liability Company (“us” or “we” or “the doctors”).  While you are waiting, here in helpful pamphlet format are answers to questions you may have about the thing on your face that you have come to see us about.

What is this thing on my face?

You probably have a common skin growth such as a wart, a mole or seborrheic keratosis, which sounds fatal but which is actually quite common.

So is death.

You got that right.

The thing on my face wasn’t there when I was younger.

Common skin growths (“CSGs”) are often associated with old age, because adults are larger than children and so provide CSGs more body mass to feed on.

Is the thing on my face unusual?

We won’t know until we see you, so in the meantime please relax by watching our aquarium full of sluggish fish or reading one of our many early twenty-first century magazines.

Newsweek thinks Hillary’s a lock to be President.

I thought Newsweek was out of business.

Are CSGs common?

Most things on people’s faces are common even though they vary widely in appearance, ranging in color from light tan to black to teal to dusty rose (women’s sizes only).  Some CSGs measure a fraction of an inch, while others are as large as an urban zip code.

So how do I know what the thing on my face is?

One distinguishing trait that all CSGs have is a dull, waxy, pasted-on (or “stuck-on”) appearance, like a spot of warm candle wax on the skin.

You make them sound rather romantic.

They also enjoy candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach.

What causes CSGs?

Researchers are unsure what causes CSGs.

I thought you guys were the experts.

If we find the answer, the grant money will run out.

Okay, but give me a hint.

CSGs form both on skin that is exposed to the sun, and skin that gets no sun.

What kind of stick-in-the-mud person doesn’t go out in the sun?

Mainly goth girls and male gamers.

That’s not much help.

CSGs can also form when a woman’s estrogen quickly rises or falls, such as during pregnancy, or when a man experiences wild swings in testosterone levels, such as during the loss of a “wild card” game by a local professional sports team.

Where do CSGs appear on the body?

They can appear anywhere, but are most likely to settle in areas that will cause you the maximum embarrassment, such as the face and neck.

Are other types of skin growths sometimes mistaken for CSGs?

Yes.  Warts, moles, heartbreak of psoriasis, and tattoos of Chinese characters that you think spell admirable qualities such as “Courage” and “Fierce” but which actually mean “choice of meat with pan-fried broccoli.”

What’s taking so long?

Low Medicaid reimbursement rates force us to overbook most appointments.

But I have private insurance!

The doctors will see you now.


Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of The Year of the Gerbil, a history of the 1978 Red Sox-Yankees pennant race, and 50 books of humor including "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" by HumorOutcasts Press. My work has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor and The Boston Globe among print outlets. "Rabbit's Blues," my biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player, will be published by Oxford University Press in September.

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One Response to About That Thing on Your Face . . .

  1. January 18, 2019 at 3:04 am

    So, that growth on Newsweek’s face is Hillary?

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