LEXINGTON, Mass. Tom Sholes is a certified public accountant and a certifiable golf nut for whom the first full week of April is a holy season. “During the Masters, I don’t want to be bothered by anything,” he says. “Including sex.”
“Why don’t you go to bed, honey? I’m re-watching a Cinderella story unfold for the second time.”
Tom likes to watch the fabled tournament live, then turn to the Golf Channel for highlights, then revisit each day’s play by watching again on the digital recording he makes on his Tivo. “Sometimes you don’t get a sense of the rhythm of a round until you watch it the second–or third time,” he says.
“I don’t care if it is the best damn sports show, period!”
In the past Tom’s obsession has interfered with the promise he and his wife made as part of marriage counseling a few years back that they would have sex “once a week, whether we need it or not, unless I’m having my period or there’s a special two-hour episode of Grey’s Anatomy on” says his wife Theresa. “You need intimacy in a marriage, not just a sharing of expenses and appreciation in the value of jointly-held real estate,” Tom concedes.
Potassium nitrate, or saltpeter: Ineffective unless you’re making toothpaste for sensitive teeth.
Still, he considers it unfair that his wife gets a free weekend a month, while he must perform on command the remaining Saturday nights, “with no time off for good behavior” he notes.
“And with the high-performance speakers, you can drown out your wife’s whining.”
Past efforts to curb the male sexual drive have depended on natural remedies such as potassium nitrate or “saltpeter,” which folklore credits with anaphrodisiac, or lust-depressing powers. “That’s an old wive’s tale, which didn’t do much to help wives regardless of their age,” says Dr. Phillip LoPresti, founder of Anaphro Pharmaceuticals. “If we can put a man on the moon and teach sign language to monkeys, we should be able to invent a pill that will give a man a ‘free space’–like Bingo–on a Saturday night.”
“The prototype is ready–we’ve compressed thirteen sports events into this weekend sampler.”
So LoPresti and his product development team developed the first over-the-counter male disenhancement drug, MyWeekend, which renders a man incapable of sexual activity for forty-eight hours. “If taken on a Friday evening, MyWeekend kills all sexual desire until Sunday night, when a guy’s wife will be too tired from chauffering children around, doing laundry and cooking to stay awake for sex,” LoPresti claims.
Clinical trials last December incapacitated a number of male Central Ohio College fans who watched their team roll to victory over Northeastern Kentucky State in the Weed Wacker Probation Bowl, a holiday contest for schools with an undefeated record who are barred from play in other post-season games. “I wanted to spend Saturday night celebrating, not thinking about my wife,” said Chad Everett, an insurance broker in Columbus, Ohio. “Is that too much to ask?”
The drug seems to work for Sholes as well, who tested it last weekend in a trial run. “My wife came into the bedroom wearing a see-through negligee,” he says, “and all I could think of was ‘ball washer.’”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “This Just In–From Gerbil Sports Network.”