In Bid to Slow Ocasio-Cortez, GOP Pushes Mitch McConnell’s Beauty Secrets | HumorOutcasts

In Bid to Slow Ocasio-Cortez, GOP Pushes Mitch McConnell’s Beauty Secrets

January 31, 2019

WASHINGTON, D.C.  She is, even her most outspoken detractors concede, “a bit of a rock star” for a newly-elected Congresswoman.  “If Twitter followers were registered voters, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would be the front runner for the White House in 2020,” says Sean McElvey of Dark Horse Strategies, a political consulting firm.  “Of course they aren’t, but neither are the dead who vote in Chicago.”

“I’ve got three words for voters: Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!”


The first-term representative from New York’s 14th Congressional district has even inspired envy within her own party at her widespread name recognition, but in the Senate, which unlike the House is not controlled by Democrats, Republicans are going beyond grumbling and are actually doing something about it; a glossy ten-page booklet titled “Mitch McConnell’s Beauty Secrets” that will be distributed to voters as the 2020 campaign begins to heat up.


“She threw down the gauntlet,” says Murphy County GOP Chair Lyle Smolek, referring to recent articles in which the young woman shared her three-step skincare routine.  “I think she’s demeaning an august and venerable body, but on the other hand an avocado face mask is a great idea.”

The GOP rebuttal emphasizes McConnell’s most prominent feature; world-class wattles, also known as a “chin scrotum,” that gives him a sleek, “neckless” look coveted by overweight plumbers, shot-putters and professional bowlers.

“We don’t need to drill for oil in Alaska, we have plenty in our T-Zone!”


“Take one dime-store turtle and blend it with yogurt, wheat germ and flax on ‘high’ in your home smoothie-maker,” McConnell recounts in a breezy tone that strategists lifted from the pages of Marie Claire.  “Apply liberally–I mean generously–to the chin and neck areas to help your ‘turkey neck’ explode with Thanksgiving Day pizzazz!”

The Senate has lagged behind the House in offering cosmetic advice to voters, even though members of the two bodies are both entitled to a “franking” privilege that allows them to flood voters’ mailboxes with “tell-all” accounts of technical corrections bills and other trendy Capitol fashion news.  “George Washington referred to the Senate as the saucer that cools hot-tempered legislation that begins in the House,” noted historian Amos Markey.  “He might have said that the Senate is the blusher that we apply to the nation’s cheekbones after the House has first put on a liquid foundation.”

The turtle’s in there somewhere.


For her part, Ocasio-Cortez said she didn’t plan to get into a make-up “arms race” with the Senate leader, saying she can barely afford a Washington apartment on her salary.  “I need to budget for necessities first,” she said.  “Food, shelter, Manolo Blahnik stilettos.”

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of The Year of the Gerbil, a history of the 1978 Red Sox-Yankees pennant race, and 50 books of humor including "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" by HumorOutcasts Press. My work has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor and The Boston Globe among print outlets. "Rabbit's Blues," my biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player, will be published by Oxford University Press in September.

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2 Responses to In Bid to Slow Ocasio-Cortez, GOP Pushes Mitch McConnell’s Beauty Secrets

  1. February 1, 2019 at 1:56 am

    When they talk about the makeup of Congress, I had something else in mind!

  2. January 31, 2019 at 7:12 am

    Of all the books Mitch could put out, I would not have guessed this one. So funny!

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