Life With Harmony the Cat

DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed below in no way correspond to the opinions of the human who typed this. I typed it because I am the only creature in the house who has opposable thumbs.

Furniture

All the furniture in the house belongs to the cat.

No human must ever try to move the cat from any piece of furniture upon which the cat has made him/herself comfortable. The cat is permitted to swat any human who tries to move him/her, and the cat must turn him/herself into dead weight and refuse to budge from the spot.

Upholstered furniture is at its most beautiful when covered with cat hair.

The cat must ignore any scratching post a human buys for him/her and choose, instead, a beautiful piece of wood furniture on which to sharpen the claws.

The Bathroom

The cat is permitted to accompany any human to the bathroom, and pester said human by rubbing him/herself against the human’s legs while the human is trying to do his/her business.

Mealtimes

It is imperative for the cat to receive nourishment at precisely the right times every day. Whatever the human is doing at those times is unimportant. The cat is permitted to use any of the following methods to notify the human that he/she must feed the cat right away:

Leg rubs
Nose nudges
Meows and other vocalizations
“Love” bites (i.e., light, non-serious application of the teeth to the human’s skin)

If the human persists in ignoring these signals, the cat may resort to the following:

Clawing the furniture
Chewing on pieces of trash or plastic bags (to signal to the human that the cat is so hungry he/she must resort to eating inedibles)
Continued leg rubs and nose nudges

Eventually, the human will give up, stop whatever he/she is doing, go into the kitchen, and feed the cat.

The cat is then free to choose whether to eat the food, sniff at it and walk away, or eat part of it and leave the rest for later.

Toys

With few exceptions, any toy that a human has bought for the cat must be wholly ignored in favor of things like the following:

Yarn
Pieces of aluminum foil
Gloves
Socks
Hair accessories
Hairpins

The cat must bat anything small enough under whatever piece of furniture is nearby. It is then essential for the cat to reach under the piece of furniture to try to retrieve the item. This is always a vain activity, but it keeps the cat busy for a while.

If the human moves the furniture for whatever reason, he/she will always find a hidden treasure of things the cat has turned into toys.

To be continued.

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