Quid Pro Quo vs. Squid Pro Quo: What You Need to Know

Like a magician distracting you from his hand inside your underwear, President Trump’s flamboyant denials of a quid pro quo offered to Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky are intended to focus our attention on a sparkly bauble that has nothing to do with his actual agenda. The President couldn’t care less about Hunter Biden or his dad, the man affectionately known to the Delaware Tribe as “Smiling Eagle Whose Blinding Beak Reflects the Sun.”

So, what is Trump’s agenda?

A squid pro quo.

Sources deep within the Administration have revealed that the President’s mouth, often caricatured in grotesque pucker by Alec Baldwin on Saturday Night Live, is actually constructed from a single sucker taken from the tentacle of a giant squid. Every few weeks, as the sucker dries and degrades like a garden slug sprayed with sea salt, Trump’s mouth must be replaced with a fresh sucker.

What does any of this have to do with the Ukraine, you ask?

Well, after reading an issue of DC Comics devoted to Aquaman’s adventures in Eastern Europe (#78: “From Kiev with Love”), the President became convinced that Lake Yalpuh, the largest freshwater lake in the Ukraine, was a breeding ground for giant squid. Desperate for a steady supply of suckers, he attempted to make economic assistance to the Ukraine contingent on receiving a biweekly squid delivery to the Oval Office. This attempt has been confirmed by the President’s oral surgeon and by a member of the White House cleaning staff who observed Marines installing a 50,000-gallon aquarium in the Lincoln Bedroom in August. At the time she wondered, “how many goldfish does a President really need to rub on his face to keep it orange?” A bit of additional evidence: the Secret Service’s code name for POTUS was recently changed to “Architeuthis.” Go ahead, look it up.

According to anonymous aides, the President is now terrified that if he is required to give lengthy, uninterrupted testimony during televised impeachment proceedings, his mouth could disintegrate in full view of a horrified American public. Not a good outcome for a narcissist.

Rumors are rampant that Rudy Giuliani is negotiating a plea deal for Trump, in which the President finally acknowledges that, over the past 15 years, he has paid cover-up money to more than 325 beauty pageant contestants, 17 NFL sideline reporters, and Queen Elizabeth.

Hard to believe, to be sure.  But the lips of Alec Baldwin do not lie.


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