Things that puzzle runners:

  1. What should I eat and drink before a race?

“Don’t eat two bowls of chill the night before and drink a six pack of beer. Otherwise, you’ll probably finish the race inside the Port-A-Potty.”

  1. What should I wear for my run today?

“The rule of thumb is to dress as if it’s actually ten degrees warmer than the current outdoor temperature. Of course, if it’s ten degrees outside, a howling blizzard and minus 20 degrees windchill, just pull the blanket over your head and wait until spring arrives. “

  1. Where should I start when lining up to begin a race?

“Unless you are an elite runner and expect to finish first, don’t stand in front, you’ll get run over. Leave your ego at home and start back where you belong like the rest of us poor, slow slobs.”

  1. Should I warm up and stretch before I run?

“Warm up, yes, (walk for 5-10 minutes), stretch, no. Otherwise, you’ll be sitting on the side of the course in pain and agony watching everyone else go by.

  1. How long do I have to wait to run after getting injured?

“Twice as long as you think. Otherwise, you’ll be back where you started and complaining that you should have waited longer!”

  1. What time of day should I run?

“Morning, noon or night all work but most people run in the morning before their brains figure out what they are doing.”

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