I joined a synchronized swimming team, but I only participate on the third Tuesday of each month, only when it’s partly cloudy out and only if Tom hanks is booked for a colonoscopy that day. I call it idiosynchronized swimming.
My wife and I aren’t into big weddings. At one point, neither of us was invited to our own wedding.
Human beings love round numbers. “Honey, it’s our 50th anniversary. Let’s go to Niagara Falls and visit the casino.” Except when we list things. Suddenly odd numbers work better. Remember The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? I suspect they could have found 3 more habits to round it to 10. I can think of one already – don’t swallow drywall screws. Other books: 101Horror Movies, 5 Things Everyone Should Have in Their Wallet, 9 Reasons Not to Eat Your Appendix.
I’m surprised that Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra haven’t married. Oprah Chopra. The Oprah Chopra show. Produced by me.
I’ve invented the Quit Bit. It tracks all those times you were thinking of working out, but decide to quit and go for some beer and onion rings, or a smoke. How can you tell if you’re a success without tracking your failures?
I have a Viagra pill stuck in my throat and my Adam’s apple is 8 times its regular size. Damn, no turtlenecks for 4 hours.
I started a candle factory, but I’m the kind of guy who burns his candles at both ends, so now I’m out of business.
Did you know people check their phone on average 12,000 times a day? I’ve cut way back. But now my iPhone is checking me. Constantly. It wakes me up at night. “Hey Paul, what’s new? Anything new? What about now? Anything? New?” “No! Go back to sleep mode.”
I’m opening a Starbucks in the washroom of another Starbucks so you don’t have to walk too far for your coffeelattemochafrappamacchiatoskinnyfatslimobesecinnamonvanillabutterscotchpumpkinespresso.
As a joke, I went to Starbucks and ordered a tall fake blonde with brunette roots. They actually made it for me. Still, kind of embarrassing when they called out the drink name with my name.
Where are all the gingerbread women? My entire life I’ve only ever seen gingerbread of the male gender. We can’t have gingerbread men without gingerbread women, right? So, where the hell are they?
I’m doing a standup routine at one of those restaurants where you eat in the dark. I hope my humour isn’t too dark for them.
I wonder why Schrödinger chose a cat for his famous thought experiment. Cats are cute, cuddly, and innocent. Things that aren’t cute, cuddly and innocent are the raccoons rooting through my garbage and crapping in the garage. He could have filled the box with trillions of mosquitoes. Or put my neighbour in there, who doesn’t pick up his dog poo. I mean, was this guy really that much of a genius?
I never became a Mormon because it’s too easily confused with the word moron.
I shave with Occam’s Razor. It makes the fewest cuts.
You know how when you watch a pot of water, it won’t boil? Maybe if we all watch the earth at the same time real hard, like, totally stare it down, it won’t get any warmer.
I’m gonna start an act impersonating Placido Domingo and call myself Placebo Domingo.
I struggle with so many personality challenges, like the fact that I’m an inperfectionist.
How come when we praise someone we always give them kudos? I know some people who only deserve one kudo at the most, myself included. Maybe…maybe one and three-quarters of a kudo. Certainly not everyone deserves full kudos all the time.
Have you actually ever seen a cat carrying a human tongue in its mouth?
I avoided the Coke vs Pepsi taste test. I always fail pop quizzes.
I’m thinking I might get started in kidnapping. Only because napping is involved.
I wonder if it’s possible to be just whelmed. Not overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but a healthy and balanced whelmed. What would have to happen to be just whelmed? Maybe nothing.
Due to the increased health risks associated with sitting, the electric chair will be banned as an instrument of capital punishment. Sitting is the new smoking, doctors say, and sitting in an electric chair is definitely the new smoking, when it’s turned on.
I don’t like being awake. I like having been awake.
Nutritionists have decided that people drowning can forgo the 8-glasses-of-water-a-day rule, but they still shouldn’t swim on a full stomach, if they survive.