Winners and Losers | HumorOutcasts

Winners and Losers

March 31, 2019
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Men! Tired of being dragged in excruciating pain to Winners? You wish it were just your appendix acting up, but no. You’re a man. A collection of reflexes, impulses and genes, all designed to hunt for snack food, not crockery and carpet samples. You long for a store to call your own, don’t you? A store that’s by men, for men, and smells like men. A store no woman could physically or emotionally endure, but you’ll drag her there for revenge, won’t you?

Welcome to – Losers. The rules are a little different here.

Enjoy our free parking. The closest spots are reserved for divorced men with girlfriends who binge Riverdale – before their homework is done. We empathize. Spots a kilometre or more away are for men who drive while shaving, trading stock and listening to Howard Stern. You better be in a Tesla, you fool.

As you approach Losers, the doors will not open automatically. Open them yourself, you lazy ass. One of the doors, of course, will be locked. You’ll never know which one. We may change it on an hourly or minutely basis. Make plans to deal with a possible nose fracture. That is, if the all-male staff didn’t sleep in and we’re closed. A late night deer hunting trip can be tiring – to make deer jerky – our biggest seller.

If the only clean clothes you have are a Speedo and a turtleneck, we get it. Just come in the back, please.

Say hi to the Losers greeter – or maybe not. He’s stabbing a throw pillow with a 16 inch cold steel hunting knife, which is on sale in the Utensils department. “We offer ironing classes” he might say. “Whoa, the Unabomber just got day parole” might be the welcoming phrase. Just keep walking.

We have a points card, but be careful. You lose points if you buy too much shit. Or a bunch of useless shit. We’ll decide which is what.

You have 5 minutes to shop. Do not go “off-list”. If you haven’t been thinking about your purchase for a few years, you don’t really want it. No trivial banter allowed. Pay attention to the signs – browsing will be prosecuted. The only accessorizing is if you are an accessory to a crime. Striped pjays are on sale for you.

We have a second floor but, similar to the front doors, we only have one escalator, which might be going up or down at any moment.

Warning: One man entered our store and asked for help finding a house-warming gift. We laughed so hard we had to close the store. No one’s going to help you because you’re not staying long. In fact, our sales men are more likely to say things like, “are you still here?”, “there’s a leaf blower with your name on it at Crappy Tire” and “isn’t there a ladder at home that needs climbing?”

Um, sorry, we seem to be fresh out of potpourri. If you want a pleasant smelling experience, visit our change rooms, seething with the aroma of gunpowder, car parts and Jig-A-Loo. Also, free buffalo wings in the bathroom.

Did you find everything you were looking for? We only ask because it probably won’t be available the next time you come. If an item becomes too popular, we stop selling it because you men would shop more and the entire patriarchal system as we know it would crumble. A system that’s worked for so long, so well, and for so many…men.

There will always be winners and losers in this world. Finally, the losers have a shopping experience they can call home.

PFHardie

I am a graphic designer, humour writer, musician and piano teacher. And that's only during the day. At night I fight crime and hang out with my wonderful family.

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