“Sixty is the new sexty” according to nine out of ten physicians who have nothing better to do than fill out on-line surveys, but what if you don’t know Dr. Phil, Oprah or Dr. Ruth personally? Better check in with Your Senior Love Advisor before you try anything complicated.
Get your derriere out of your chair-e-air!
Dear Senior Love Advisor:
I have been single now for the better part of a decade since my wife Earline was killed in a tragic water cooler accident at the Pneumatic Band-Ag Fastener Plant on north 50 highway, right before the fork in the road. I recently met and “hit it off” with a woman whose husband got dragged by the Goodyear Blimp when his foot was caught in a mooring cable, so we had the death of a spouse in common.
Ms. Senior Love Advisor, I am ready to “take the plunge” except for one thing: my new girlfriend tells me she has had two hip replacements, one on each side, so she is “bionic” (her term, not mine). I have only made love to women with original factory parts, and am wondering what the chances are her replacement hips will fall out when we “do the deed.” I would not want to be stuck with her repair bill as I have a high deductible on all of my insurance policies due to my fixed income.
Thanks in advance for your help,
Eugene Chaclas, Sweet Springs MO.
Careful!
Dear Eugene–
I think you are right to be careful, “senior sex” is risky because the chassis is off the power train warranty. I would go slowly at first, proceeding cautiously from kissing to hickeys to digital manipulation. If everything seems to be in working order, you can then graduate from “driver’s ed.”
Dear Senior Love Advisor:
Settle a bet for me: I say it is impossible for a woman to get pregnant if a man has a vasectomy. This fifty-something bartender at the Horse’s Rear Bar & Grill in town claims she is carrying my baby when we only fooled around for a little after I recovered from having my tubes tied at Urologists ‘R Us, the “fast casual” vasectomy shop my brother-in-law started. He went to the best med school on the island of Grenada, and graduated shortly after the heroic U.S. invasion of that island nation in 1983.
Your opinion means a lot, so there is a possible “gratuity” in this for you if you give me the right answer.
Chuck Libscomb, Ottumwa, Iowa
Free the med students!
Dear Mr. Libscomb:
I am honor-bound by the Advice Columnists Code of Ethics to charge only posted rates for deciding wagers in favor of readers, and so must know the extent of your financial wherewithal before responding.
That said, the success rate of vasectomies varies widely with the credentials of urologists. Ask to see your brother-in-law’s diploma, and if necessary take it to a “Notario publico” for translation from “Grenadian” to good-old-fashioned U.S. of A. English to make sure he didn’t attend refrigeration and air conditioning school.
Dear Senior Love Advisor:
I am very “smitten” with an elderly man “Mel” who plays shuffleboard at my senior living facility. He is very refined and such a gentleman that when I “came on to him like a bitch wolf in heat” as Myrna Linstrom of Unit 6A so caustically put it, he said he wanted to wait until he got to know me better as he had never had sex with a woman before dating at least six months.
My problem is that the doctors have now put him on a feeding tube following a heart attack and he is not expected to live out the month. Do you think it would be “okay” if I snuck into his room and you-know-what with him or is there some kind of law against that?
Cordially,
Sue Helpfer, Utica, New York
Dear Sue–
You are in luck, outdated “necrophilia” laws are tumbling across America and anyway would not apply in your case as long as “Mel” is on life support. Check out the “Summer Blowout Sale” on my six-cassette set “How to Make Yourself Beneficiary of a Comatose Man’s Will”–operators are standing by!
Dear Senior Love Advisor:
I have what is a mathematical question so you may want to get your calculator out. I am a 62-year-old widower and so get the 10% senior discount at Golden Corral. I am going out on a date with a younger woman “Eunice” who is only 59, so she doesn’t qualify. I like to go “Dutch” on the first date so there is no obligation if I get the sense that a woman is a “gold digger” who is only interested in my late wife’s Hummel figurine collection. What would you suggest as a fair split of the bill with these many variables involved?
Walter L. Shugart, Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Dear Walter–
Pardon me while I collect my thoughts–for a moment there I thought I was back in sixth grade being asked how much rope can Ted and Bob buy for twenty-seven cents a foot if they are on a train traveling 85 miles an hour on the second Tuesday of the month.
I think the main point you want to get across on a first date is that you are a good “catch” but not a pushover. I would offer to split things right down the middle with “Eunice” even though you are entitled to the “lion’s share” of the senior discount so she won’t slander your name by spreading around what a tightwad you are.