The Catholic Church is fast-tracking the paperwork for Anthony Fauci to be canonized this summer, even though he’s still alive. “Let’s be honest,” says a confidential Vatican source, “the Church has been starved for positive publicity the past couple of decades. This guy has literally been a godsend.”
Shepherding Fauci’s candidacy through the canonization process is Monsignor Carmelo Pellegrino, the Vatican’s Promoter of the Faith. Interviewed yesterday, Pellegrino asserted that “Fauci is a lock for sainthood. We only need to confirm two miracles in his name, and we already have one: He has refrained from strangling Donald Trump in public. That’s a miracle. We expect to have everything wrapped up by June 15th, with the canonization ceremony being broadcast on July 4th by ESPN. As you know, they’re desperate for content right now.”
Ryan Seacrest and Sofia Vergara will co-host the event, with Boyz II Men performing.