For millennia, Heaven has been the destination of choice for the virtuous deceased. Now there’s a better option. Next month, Celestial Enterprises (CE) — owner of Disney+, HBO Max, and ESPN+ — will debut Heaven-Plus, for the dead who wish to participate in the “Ultimate Eternal Experience.”
CE, which has managed Heaven on behalf of The Almighty since 1952, promises that Basic Heaven will still be available to those who can’t afford the $29.99 monthly fee for Heaven-Plus. “Basic Heaven is certainly a great deal, to be sure,” according to a CE spokesperson, “but Heaven-Plus is simply incredible.”
Here are just a few of the differences between Basic Heaven (BH) and Heaven-Plus (H+):
BH: Happiness guaranteed for eternity
H+: Ineffable ecstasy experienced at least three times a week
BH: One-size-fits-all angelic robes (white only)
H+: Custom-fitted robes that flatter your figure in a variety of colors
BH: Your IQ is the same as it was on Earth
H+: Your IQ is enhanced by 25 points; you now understand (well, kinda) what Neil deGrasse Tyson is talking about on Cosmos
BH: No co-pay for peanut-allergy medication
H+: Peanut allergies do not exist
BH: Free admission to Pet Heaven
H+: Your favorite pet lives with you in Heaven-Plus, and never pees or poops
BH: Up to three glasses of Chardonnay accompany every evening meal
H+: Wine can be taken intravenously 24 hours a day; you will never be labeled a “problem drinker”
BH: All toilet facilities are cleaned twice a day
H+: No need for toilet facilities (like your pet, you neither pee nor poop)
BH: You see God, in person, every day
H+: You only see God when you want to see God
BH: You are not aware that Heaven-Plus exists
H+: You are aware that Basic Heaven exists, which adds to your enjoyment of Heaven-Plus. Stratification rocks!
All things considered, it might make sense to establish a Heaven-Plus savings account at your local bank sooner rather than later. It could be the best investment you ever made.
If my dog can’t come, I’m not going.
Oh sure, it’s $29.99 NOW…