The New York Jets announced that they have hired Donald Trump as their new head coach. “Donald Trump is the only person who can look at our winless 0-13 record and not only get us into the Super Bowl but proclaim us already the winners,” said the Jets ownership in a press release. “ For too many years we have relied on coaches who employed careful study and planning and cultivation of top talent and teamwork without success. Now Coach Trump allows us to avoid all that in favor of an approach that victory is in the eye of the beholder as long as the beholder is Donald J. Trump.”
The Jets added that Trump will be their coach whether he ever leaves the White House or not. As they explained, “Since he will not spend any time with the actual team he can operate from a secret broom closet outside the Oval Office for all we care, as long as he can tweet and leave from time to time to hold ‘Make the Jets Great Again’ pep rallies at which we can sells lot of surplus Jets merchandise—other than face masks, of course.”
New Assistant Coach Mitch McConnell will run the offense by inserting footage of Joe Namath defeating the Baltimore Colts into Fox TV coverage of games so that it will appear the Jets always win. “If we can almost get away with changing the results of a national election and ignoring the votes of eighty million people, doing the same when only eleven people are on each side of the field should be child’s play,” noted McConnell. “And just in case there is a technical glitch, I have appointed all the referees, umpires and score keepers.”
New defensive coach Lindsay Graham intends to incorporate highlight films of great past Jet defensive player such as Ronnie Lott, Larry Grantham, Mark Gastineau and Mary Lyons except that the images of those being tackled will now feature not New England Patriots or Miami Dolphins but Hunter Biden, Hilary Clinton, Mitt Romney and Anthony Fauci. “We may also use body slams from old Worldwide Wrestling Federation tapes from time to time,” added Graham, “whenever we see Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and enemies of the people like Judy Woodruff on the field.”
Special Teams coach Michael Flynn observed that misdirection and falsification similar to the Trump approach to reality are nothing new in sports, citing the Black Sox scandal, the hidden ball trick, point shaving in basketball and the old Statue of Liberty play in football itself which involves using patriotic American iconography for deceptive purpose. “Also,” concluded Flynn, “the longer he stays in the White House the bigger the advantage some of us have. We should all remember that proximity to the red button could obliterate the results of any game that is not going well for Trump. And of course for coach Trump, even more than for coach Vince Lombardi, nothing that can ever happen is worse than being called a loser.”