Falling in the polls, and facing accusations of incompetence, the President recently announced that all current and future federal employees, including those working in the White House, would have to pass a test to qualify for their position. The announcement sent existing employees scrambling to register for online courses hastily mounted by The College Board. In- person tutoring in the DC area is also available. Thousands of employees have already requested special accommodations for taking the test, citing a variety of reasons, from learning disabilities to testicular evaporation under stress.
The announcement came amidst revelations that the President had taken the test himself and decided that everyone working for the federal government should be at least as intelligent as he is. Paralleling existing cognitive tests, the assessment will consist of verbal, non-verbal, and quantitative components. The verbal component consists of remembering, in order, the following words: person, woman, man, camera, TV. The non-verbal requirement consists of identifying an elephant among three animals. The quantitative portion, by far the most challenging one, consists of counting backwards by seven from one hundred. Performance on the test will have far reaching implications for the federal bureaucracy.
As soon as the announcement was made public, the Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos took a leave of absence to prepare for the test. Jared Kushner immediately called his old friend (name censored) to see if he could (sentence censored) on his behalf. Bill Barr already announced an investigation to discredit the investigators that he predicts will launch an investigation into the scores of Jared Kushner.
Determined to show the country that the White House is not in disarray, Trump made public a report outlining the positions people can apply for based on test performance:
- Secretary of Education: must remember words woman and camera, math requirement waived, can replace elephant with ostrich.
- President: must achieve a score the likes of which the world has never seen before.
- Press Secretary: must remember words TV, woman, and camera. Can replace man with Jim Acosta. Must identify CNN camera in a room full of cameras; being able to count backward by seven until negative number 21.
- Son in law: count backwards by seven from $ 10 million until reaches Harvard’s tuition for people who perform poorly in high school. Verbal requirement waived. Non-verbal requirement optional.
- Attorney General: must remember five words in order, must count backwards by seven from one hundred until reaches number of bogus investigations. Allowed to confuse elephant with chameleon. Must be able to perform a smirk. Bonus points for remembering to say Stone, Flynn, Lafayette, Bible, and Portland.
- Vice President: must remember five words, any, not necessarily in order; extra bonus for spelling sycophant. Must count backwards by seven from $ 100 million until it reaches amount of contributions expected from tobacco lobby. Must identify elephant in the room. In case of a tie, person who spells science backwards first wins.
- Supreme Court judge: must remember all words in order, must ignore elephant in the room, should be able to count backwards by seven from 100 beers until passes out.
In a public display of competence, Trump said that the top three performers on the test will be in charge of reopening the economy. Early results of testing show that Florida Governor Ron DeSaster, achieved a perfect score. Georgia Governor Brian Kemp came a close second. Miami-Dade County Mayor, Carlos Gimenez, came third. Testing and tracing shows that these three men have been in contact, infecting each other with ignoramus gravis, covidiocy and personal libertitis, known to affect men with sycophantism and a recessive integrity gene. Bill Barr rushed to certify the results of the tests. The President welcomed the results of the testing competition. Now the economy is moving at Trump speed again, towards self-destruction.
Isaac Prilleltensky is an academic and humor writer. His latest books are The Laughing Guides Trilogy, available at www.thelaughingguide.com